Sorry for the sin
by RozyHTaylor
Summary: When Patsy and Delia have to put everything on the change for love, it leaves them in between a rock and a hard place. Going to be a long story Already on Wattpad
1. Chapter 1

**_I had already uploaded this but my chapter weren't right and bits were missing so I am trying again!_**

 ** _Reviews would be great :)_**

 ** _XXXX_**

Patsy's heart pounded as she snuck out of her room – it was 4am but she was too scared to leave it any later. She fixed her oversized shirt as she tiptoed down the corridor. Back to her room at that moment in time her room felt like a lifetime away and the few steps seem to take hours, she pushed her slightly squeaking door open just enough for her to sneak in.

To her surprise Trixie was sat up, cigarette in hand tears rolling down her face "Why did you tell me Patsy?" Trixie asked, before taking another drag of her cigarette. Patsy's heart was now beating outside her chest; she was in so much panic and had even started to shake a little.

"Tell you what Trixie?"

"What you are." Trixie snapped back. Patsy didn't know what to respond. Did Trixie really know or was Patsy really over thinking it.

"Trixie I have no idea what you're on about!" Patsy responded now slightly flustered, but trying to seem calm and like she really didn't have a clue what Trixie was on about.

"I have just spent the last 2 hours trying to put together the pieces and they fit patsy - It all makes sense now, why you didn't like tom and why I have never seen you with a gentleman friend of any sort" Words flew from Trixie's mouth that she never thought she'd even think, let alone say out loud. She knew instantly from the look in Patsy's eyes that she was indeed correct.

"Trixie whatever your thinking your being crazy – its 4 o clock in the morning I went to the bath room now please can you let me sleep" Patsy while avoiding eye contact with her best friend walked over to her bed and got under the cold covers trying not to show how she really felt. Patsy felt Trixie's words echo throughout her body and she had denied it to her, the feeling of guilt pushed throughout her body.

Patsy didn't sleep a wink that night, and neither did Trixie they both just lay there, neither one of them wanting to say anything but both of them hurting. As they both lay there in there fake sleep they heard the first familiar rumbles of chaos from the kitchen letting both of them know their day had started. Trixie got up first avoiding looking at patsy or in her direction as she lay they're facing the wall aimlessly. Trixie not even saying good morning as she normally did when they were both on the same shifts just got on with her morning, Patsy didn't move a muscle until Trixie was firmly outside the bedroom. Patsy's usually orderly routine in the mornings when she was on district rounds passed in a blur, she was half way down the street before she even wanders if she has attached her bag to her bike, her brain was screaming to go back and tell Trixie the truth but her feet keeping peddling forwards, quicker then she normally does it with Barbra struggling to keep up. District rounds nearly killed Patsy, she wasn't in the mood to make small talk or talk to Barbra about how Trixie left in quick rush this morning and looked like she was about to cry. Patsy already felt bad enough about last night's events without Barbra making her feel any worse. Barbra didn't have a clue of last night's events she was just considered about Trixie and Patsy knew that deep down.

Patsy rushed in from district rounds and went to find Delia, she needed to feel safe again, she felt so lost and couldn't even tell Trixie the truth because the truth was a sin and Trixie seemed to be very disapproving last night. Because Patsy just wanted to show her love off to people but last night just showed her that she would never be able to do that, she is never going to be able to hold Delia's hand or kiss her in public, she didn't even want that she just didn't want to have to go to a little club in the middle of know where to dance with the person she loved. She was so very much in love yet no one was allowed to know. No one could know how happy she was because her happiness would cost her, her job and her home and possibly even her freedom.

After being unable to find Delia she confided to her own room hoping she would be able to gather up her through and avoid tears. Trixie knew how to keep a poker face all those years gambling with sweats against Jenny were about to pay off after all. So long as she appeared nonchalant, with no pinkness in her cheeks to betray her. No tears in her eye she needed to forget that last night had ever happened because it was a sin, if her hunch was correct then her best friend was a sinner. Patsy couldn't be a sinner!


	2. Chapter 2

As patsy heard the bedroom door go, she watched Trixie enter without turning her head, trying to forget her existence.

"Delia rang to say she was stuck at the London and would have to cancel the pictures today" Trixie said trying to hide the shaking in her voice, poker hadn't prepared her for this. Nothing had prepared her for this. Fear travelled in Patsy's veins but with the help of all her focus it never made it into her facial expression. Her complexion remained pale and her eyes as steady as if she was shopping for shoes.

"Thanks for letting me know" Patsy said looking her from her magazine. Trying to keep the tears from her eyes.

Trixie let out a large sigh as if she was about to speak but quickly changed her mind, thinking better of making another comment

"I'm rather glad she canceled, I think Nurse Crain put me on call" Patsy kept the calmness in her voice the best he could. She wanted to cry and tell Trixie the truth but she knew the truth would break everything and hurt everyone she cared about including Delia, they would both lose their jobs and their housing. While some days Patsy felt like they would be okay if everything went wrong she didn't want to chance it - without their jobs and the house they had nothing She couldn't put Delia though that.

"Well I have Art History tonight" Trixie stated as if just too keep the incredibly uncomfortable situation going any longer then was needed.

"Well do have fun" Patsy replied lighting a cigarette and angling herself towards the ashtray meaning she had to angle herself towards Trixie. Trixie gave a fake smile, showing her white teeth before walking out the room in which they shared

As Trixie shut the door Patsy sighed a long deep sign, and tried her hardest to shake off the pain and guilt she was hiding inside. Patsy must have dozed off into a deep sleep but woke to the sound of Delia's soft welsh voice "I was worried that you missed dinner" Delia said "I snuck you a slice of cake before Monica Joan gets her hands on it" Delia said as she gestured to the plate sat on Patsy's side table "I guessed you were just resting your eyes" Her soft welsh voice made Patsy feel instantly safe again.

"You didn't have to Delia" Patsy sighed, straightening herself out and sitting up in her bed. Delia smiled a long slow smile because even though there were nuns praying nearby this was a small glimpse of the life they could have had before the accident. In Delia's eyes no one knew any wiser, in her eyes they were still able to be themselves in the safety of Patsy's room when Trixie was out. As Delia perched on Trixie's bed, Patsy grinned at the small bunch of flower Delia had put next to the slice of cake; they were a red/orange and clashed perfectly with Patsy's hair.

"Yes, I did have to do this because I love you" Delia said sweetly. Patsy knew she had to tell her about the events that occurred in the early hours of the morning but she wanted to live in the little bubble for a little longer, pretending everything was fine and that they were safe.

"The Nuns were saying Trixie has been in a mood all day?" Delia questioned, trying to make casual convocation not realizing that her and Patsy were the reason for Trixie's sudden change of behavior. Patsy led her nearly finished cigarette on the side of the ashtray.

"She knows" Patsy said calmly, trying to act like nothing out the ordinary was spoken.

"You told her!" Delia said firmly, in shock that her girlfriend could put their whole lives in ruins.

"No, she asked me and I denied it deels. I really did." Patsy could find the words to say anything else, and she didn't want to cry because she had been strong about this for far too long, she had gone through so much worse than this. Yet that one early morning convocation had broken her down. Made her feel like she had no right to love Delia and she did love her more than anything.

"Then what's the problems pats. She asked you, you denied it. There's nothing more than that you can do cariad" Delia had moved next to patsy and patsy lay her head on Delia shoulder, it kept her safe. This secret that was so wrong kept her safe.

The convocation paused for a few moments as they both gathered their thoughts. Delia gathered up the dishes from the cake. Patsy sat up in bed a little straight and caught her lips on Delia's. A soft moan left Delia's mouth.

"My room, cards" Delia said laughing to herself in an attempt to keep Patsy's mood up. And it was apparently working. Patsy was just hopping no unexpected mothers went into labor tonight


	3. Chapter 3

For the first time ever luck and pregnancies were on Patsy's side, with no phone calls their night turned out pretty good, while it was no secret date night to the cinema or anything fancy. They could just sit there and enjoy each other's company in a more than just friend way. They could forget all the outside world pressures of having to get married to a man they could just picture their life together, the forbidden life. The convocation with Trixie still stayed firmly in the forefront of Patsy's mind, with every kiss between her and Delia made the realization of what she was clearer. She tried to forget it, she really did but she just couldn't.

"Pats what's wrong" Delia couldn't pretend nothing was wrong any longer, it was the only really night they both had together in days, and even they Patsy was on call, she didn't want to waste there little free time but she knew something was wrong.

"It's Trixie" Patsy responded now staring into space. Trying to seem like she wasn't lost in the darkest scariest part of her mind.

"Cariad, we have been through this, she had no proof just a suspicion and we all know Trixie is full of them. "

"I guess your right" Was all Patsy could respond. She knew Delia was right but knowing something and admitting it was something completely different.

Patsy made the same trip back to her room as she had done the previous night, only slightly earlier. Aiming to slip down the corridor just before midnight, just before Trixie got home so she would have to explain and everything would seem perfectly normal. As she gets closer to her room she hears "I love how you love me" The record that was playing when they first went to the gateways club. That mean Trixie was home earlier than expected. She took a long heavy breath before stepping into her room.

"Evening" Patsy, said, trying to act like nothing was wrong

"I know, Patsy and you can keep denying in but nothing is going to make me believe any differently" Patsy didn't know how to respond she didn't know whether that meant Trixie was going to tell the world or that she was okay with it.

Patsy couldn't even respond and that just made everything clearer for Trixie, she wanted to be okay with it. She really did. She had always kind of figured but she just couldn't process it. She tried. As patsy lay down for bed. Trixie lit enough cigarette and said "I want to be okay with it Pats, I so very much do. But for some reason I'm not and I find it all rather unsettling"

No other sound way made for what felt like years then Patsy turned around under her blanket and faced Trixie who was still sat up smoking the last few drags of her cigarettes.

"Are you going to tell anyone?" Her voice was weak and cloaked in fear. The fear sat on Patsy like a pillow over her mouth and nose. Trixie finished her cigarette and put it in the ass dray next to the flowers Patsy received earlier. She didn't make a sound simply walked out the door, just return moment later with Delia who looked tired and confused. Patsy smiled at Delia's bed hair and the Welsh woman's uncertain look that was plastered across her face.

"Hello Pats" Delia said smiling but trying not to show too much job.

"Patsy sit up, Delia sit next to her. We need to talk" Trixie's voice was firm but shaking a little.

"Trixie whatever is wrong?" Delia asked, her smile had been replaced with real concern for her friend.

"You need to know, that I'm not going to tell anyone." Trixie said sitting down on her bed doing everything in her power not to reach for the bottle of gin that was placed out of her view next to Patsy's bed. Patsy smiled a little, the first smile that crept across her face all day.

"But I'm not going to defend your actions. Nor am I okay with it" Her voice started to tear up as Patsy placed her hand on Delia's Knee for support

"I want to be okay with it, I really do but I can't" She kept talking as if she was trying to justify herself. She didn't know why she needed to. Every cell her brain told her it was a sin. Told her that it wasn't right but every other part of her body wanted to congratulate them and help them get their nights off to match. She was stuck between religion and her best friend being happy.

"Now I'm going to turn my back go to the bathroom, so you can say goodnight and then I'm going to pretend this never happens .I'm sorry Patsy" With that Trixie picked up her wash bag and made her way out the room.

Delia smiled and kissed Patsy with no fear anymore.

"I'm sorry, Deels" Patsy said, trying to say sorry for blowing the lid on them to Trixie. Delia didn't understand what Patsy was apologizing for. No one was hurt and no one was going to lose his or her job – not yet anyways.


	4. Chapter 4

"Patience Mount, you dark horse" She said smiling, making it clear she had noted Patsy's lipstick on Delia's lips. "I will okay with it one day Patsy"

"I know Trixie and I o you the world for not telling the nuns" Patsy said calmly.

"She's been good for you Patsy, I know that and I know how happy she makes you. I'm really trying to understand. I even went to Tom"

"You didn't tell him did you" Patsy said sighing

"No, I had to pull all my strength just to have a 5 minute convocation with him" Trixie responded "We spoke about Mr. Amos he official killed himself a couple of weeks ago, I didn't realize. Then we go into a heated debate over why being gay is so wrong in the first place"

Patsy smiled at Trixie's effect. Patsy knew how much she was trying to understand, how much she was trying to be okay with it even know she was struggling. Seeing Delia was hard for Trixie, she made small talk when she must but didn't want to put her foot in it or say something that they would consider offence. The truth was Trixie was scared for them, she didn't want them to be arrested or have to go through treatment like Mr. Amos did, he didn't end well and Trixie couldn't bare that happening to her best friend no matter who she wanted to love.

Patsy smiled as she slept, but Trixie still slept in fear for her friend. She was their when patsy wasn't around she heard the nuns talk more about more about relationship and even heard nurse mount state that if Delia was man she would assume they were courting.

Nuns made remarks that made Trixie bite her tongue as she tried to stay out of the way of speculation, and not get involved as her brain and her heart were constantly contradicting themselves.

Trixie dozed off just as patsy woke up to her lover. Dawn found her with a smile on her lips and Delia is laying her arms, eyes closes, enjoying a pleasant dream. There is silence at Nonnatus House, broken only periodically by the singing of the bird. Daylight seeped into the room falling through the curtains, flooding the room with bright and yellow light. The faint smell of coffee wakes Patsy as she inhales it. She realizes that she can't savor the moment much longer and she is not the only one awake. Anytime now her friends and colleagues will spring to life. Preparing themselves for the day ahead. Every ration part of her body is telling her she needed to move out of Delia and get a move one to join them but this was a prefect carefree moment. There was no ticking of a clock nothing to make her want to go back to reality. Her health swells as she squeezes Delia a little bit tighter, to keep her safe. To let her know she protected. Her eyes flicker open.

"Good Morning" Patsy whispered

Delia grinned sleepily and leans in to capture Patsy's lips. Delia didn't want to move, everything she loved in life was sat next to her, she just wanted to spend the like this, tangled up in their nudity. Yet she knows she must get ready for work. Delia sense Patsy's unwillingness to move and while she doesn't want her too, Delia pushes her slightly urging her to get out of the room before it causes chaos.

"Go…" Delia murmurs through the soft passionate kisses with Patsy "Before they see you" Her voice sounded soft but her eyes told a different story. She didn't want Patsy to leave but she could stay any longer.

With great reluctance and all the inner will power she could grasp Patsy dragged herself out of the warm safe bed, startled a little at the coldness of the wooden floor against her feet.

"I love you" Delia mouth silently to Patsy as if that was the biggest sin that had happened in this room.

"I love you too," Patsy mouthed back.

No one could wipe the grin off their faces and no one had the right too. Lacking modesty Patsy grabbed her clothes that were scattered across the floor and made a break for the bathroom. She gets out without any interruption and once sat away from the world in the bathroom .she locked the door and let's out a relieved sigh – another night down she through to herself. Staring at the bathroom clock, she was nearly 10 minutes late for rounds, with a quick wash and dress; the smile wouldn't leave her face. With the idea of eyeliner abandoned and her hair looking ever so slightly presentable she made haste onto the landing trying to think of a good excuse for being late one that she hadn't used recently. Her brain doesn't seen=m to be functioning, Patsy fled down the stairs nearly tripping on one of Fred's tools causing her to do a little leap.

Luckily Sister Julienne has disappeared sorting out today's Rota. Patsy glanced around to the room of known faces; Trixie, Barbara and Nurse Crane. They were sorting through their medical kits for the day and drinking what now much be nearly cold coffee. They were eyeing Patsy suspiciously. None of them making a sound.

"Sorry" Patsy burst out "I overslept"

No one believed her but it was all she could say.

"It sounded like you had a man over last night" Barbara tried to say out of ear shot from the others, she didn't realize how loud she was being but, from looking around it was clear Nurse Crane thought the same.

Patsy blushed uncontrollably, now making a clear effect to avoid eye contact. Reaching over for her medical kit seemed to be the easiest way to avoid eye contact and gave Patsy a great reason to look down in order to check the equipment. Trying as well as she could to hide her embarrassment and trying to shake off the feeling of unnecessary guilt.

"There was no man here" She replied quietly. She wasn't lying there wasn't any men last night, yet she still left like a liar. It was a half-truth as her did used to call it when she was a just a child. Lies were swirling all around her; most of her life was a lie she spoke lies every day out of fear.

Barbara says nothing in response, what could she say? People knew what they heard but no man had been her. Both sides her right. It was Patsy they had heard last night but it wasn't Patsy with some man. It was Patsy with Delia.

Barbara glances around the room almost trying to get the others to speak up, asking for support. Nurse Crane had her judging eyes on but stood silently in the corner off the room. Trixie trying to keep a straight face and trying to stay out of it. Trixie sipped her coffee loudly and avoid Patsy's gazes, the convocation was over no one else could say anything and no one else wanted to apart from Patsy she felt the need to keep talking, to make sure that everyone knew was wasn't with a man last night.

"I was asleep next to Trixie all night, I didn't move all night. " Patsy tried to protest with false innocence. Trixie raised her eyebrow in-between her loud slips of coffee, silently letting Patsy know that she wasn't fooling anyone and wasn't the tiniest bit convincing. Trixie stared at Patsy trying to hint to her not to press the issue and just let their hunches die down. Her fingertips tapped nervously on the surface. They were nervous for Patsy. How stupid could she have been?

"Perhaps it was Delia" Barbara asked out load "She doesn't seem like that kind off girl…" As soon as those words left her mouth she knew what she had let herself in for.

"And I do, do I?" Patsy snapped. Her good mood from this morning had quickly gone away and was shattered into thousands of tiny pieces.

Barbara lowers her eyes, almost as if she was insulted by Patsy tone. The atmosphere grew thick and awkward, filled with Patsy's anger "Honestly Barbara! Perhaps it was you with the man over; how are we know" Patsy had official lost it, about to storm out when Sister Julienne wandered back in unaware of the argument that had previously occurred.

"I see you have decided to join us, Nurse Mount," She says as she looks at the list of patients in her hand. She signed a silent sign unable to muster up a good enough believable excuse.

"Yes. I'm sorry Sister" anger still protruded Patsy's voice but it was better anger than embarrassment, she was allowed to be angry but if she was embarrassed then Barbara would defiantly know her hunch was sort of right.

"My fault, sister" Trixie said smiling taking the last gulp of her coffee. "I should have woken her but she looked so peaceful"

Sister Julienne smiles faintly and Barbara looks down, knowing that Trixie was firmly on Patsy's side.

Sister Julienne starts her monologue about patients and the times of one's impending shift. Trixie catches Patsy's eye from a across the room silently Patsy thanks her and Trixie nods in responses with a smile, It was moment of pure friendship and a moment in which Trixie truly understood what Patsy was having to go through. Trixie was just glad that she knew about Patsy and Delia but they weren't very subtle and without Trixie and her lie they would most likely both on their way to the office.

As the midwifes scuttled out the room Patsy felt a touch on her shoulder which made her turn round a little startled

"Nurse Mount, may I see you in my office after your rounds – we have much to discuss."

"Of course Sister, may I ask what it's about" Patsy responded, wandering if sister had heard her lash out a Barbara.

"I think you know" With that sister Julienne walked away. Not turning around, not looking back. Patsy stood no sure what she was meant to say.

"Patsy come on" Trixie called from outside.

Patsy shook off any fears of that convocation and went to join Trixie. Closing the door to Nonnatus House behind Patsy. Trying to forget this morning events and focus on the happiness of the night previous.

"Sister Julianne wasn't to see me after rounds" Was all Patsy could say. She didn't want to make small talk, or see Barbara, she wanted to go back to bed with the person she loved the most but it very well might be lying in that bed that caused her all these problems.

"It will be okay Patsy" Trixie said in a hushed tone, dragging Patsy to her bicycle "For now there's nothing you can do. Let's just focus on the job in hand"

Patsy nodded in response and clambered onto her bicycle. Trixie gestured to follow, looking slightly concerned about Patsy's state of mind. Patsy uses the last remaining bit of energy to paint a smile onto her face, convincing passersby that she was okay. She had patients to see, babies to deliver, lives to save. That was all she could let herself think about. Everything else was going to have to wait.


	5. Chapter 5

The round went slow and at every turn, Patsy felt a larger and great weight on her shoulders. It was near the end of 1962, when world was changing for the better she felt so dirty and yet so happy. There was talk of a gay rights movement but nothing more said, it was just echoes in the gateway. Whispers on the late night bus. Patsy knew even if there was on she should get involved. But part of her wanted their to be one. She wanted their to be protests she could join in, to see streets lined with people like she was. She had vivid dreams of the streets of London filled with man holding hands with men and women holding hands with women. Like nothing was wrong. She smiled a little at the through, before being snapped out of her fantasy but a women Patsy nearly took out on her bicycle.

Trixie grew more and more worried for Patsy throughout the day, not sure what to say in order to support her friend made Trixie worried and slightly nervous. She didn't know the words to tell Patsy that her heart was winning over her head. Trixie needed to tell Patsy that she was going to be okay but the truth is she didn't know Patsy's faith she didn't know what the sisters knew what they wanted to talk to her about but she did know that Patsy was her best friend and nothing could change that.

As they put their bikes in the hut after what felt like a never ending day of rounds, Patsy's heart was thudding out her chest. Trixie looked over to her for the moral support she could give of the unknown.

Patsy was hoping that her presence would go unnoticed or Sister Julienne would be otherwise busy with a pregnant mother. But like clockwork Sister was waiting for Patsy in the kitchen. Patsy out her bag down then without saying a word followed sister Julienne into her office.

"Have a seat" Sister said, in her calm caring tone. She didn't sound angry but that didn't mean she wasn't. Patsy did as she was asked and sat on the edge of her seat, sweat left her palms and she was concentrating on not shaking to give away her guilt.

"It has been brought to my attention that someone has reported homosexual actions against you" Her voice didn't change yet felt icy against nurse Mounts ears.

Patsy froze she didn't know what to say

"That's absurd" Patsy spluttered out.

"An expected mother saw you and nurse mount late last week getting off the bus from Chelsea"

The gateways club, they were coming home from the gateways. They were careful how did someone see them.

"Now while this matter isn't illegal, you are in place of worship here at Nonnatus House" The sister continued

"I am going to have to report the event to the mother house but until then I am going to take you off all midwifery duties" Her voice was still calm unlike Patsy's who couldn't even form a sentence. Patsy's silence told Sister Julienne all she needed to know, the shock on Patsy's face wasn't a shock of being suspected but a shock of being found out.

"You know I'm a good midwife" Patsy responded "Why can't I work because of one absurd comment?" She felt horrible lying about her Delia but she needed her job, Delia needed hers. Delia's job and Nonnatus House was the only thing keeping her in London.

"Patsy you are a good midwife I'm not denying that but we just simply can't have someone who is apparently a…" she paused for a moment not sure on how finish the sentence "…of such things working in that area" Patsy no longer cared about the reasons she just needed to ask about Delia

"What about Delia?" Patsy asked

"As Nurse Busby doesn't work with us and I am going to phone up the London and talk to them about the situation first. With Delia's shifts I will most likely discuss the situation with her after breakfast tomorrow" Nurse mount didn't respond what you she say just got up off the chair and walked out, shutting the big wooden door behind her and running out the bigger wooden door that was Nonnatus House. She didn't get her bike she just ran. Tears streaming down her face, she didn't want to cry but she had just lost the role that she lived at Nonnatus House for, what would she do if she wasn't to do the midwife duties. She would be stuck on district round if she was even allowed to do that. She wouldn't be able to do the clinic on Tuesday, she wouldn't get to talk to the new mums about jabs or do checkup, consoling scared first time mothers. She was losing all the cared about and she could even end up losing Delia. Patsy didn't know where she was running but she kept running. She went to the coffee shop where she and Delia had spent many a great evening ordered a drink and just sat there- outside it was starting to get dark but she couldn't care. She didn't care that she was still in uniform because it wouldn't be long until she wasn't allowed to wear it at all – the uniform was her safety and now they wanted to take it off her.

Patsy was lost in her lies, in her stories in the things she said to prevent more questions. The only thing that made her lies worth telling was Delia. She could lose Delia. And Patsy knew she would never let that happen. The minutes in the coffee shop turned into the hours, just staring into space. She knew she had to go back home, she knew she had to face the other nuns and nurses. Patsy left the coffee shop as the owner locked the door behind her. She didn't run home like she ran away but lowly tiptoed through the streets feeling watched at every corner, by every shadow of people going about their evening.

It was silent when she pushed the front door open, Patsy wasn't surprised for this time of night, she was thankful for the silence all the safe. Quietly hoping everyone was in bed or over wise engaged. Patsy knew Delia would be panicking when she wasn't their when she got home or over evening meal. Patsy felt guilty for not hoping the London to tell her what has been going on.

Glancing at the board Patsy is glad to see that Sister Julienne and Barbara have been called out and sigh of relief leaves her body knowing she won't be having to see them tonight. Patsy's name had been wiped off the on call board and her heart sunk a little, she had

lost her midwife post, Sister Julienne wasn't kidding. She knows Delia's awake before she even sees the silver light coming from under her girlfriends closed bedroom door. Patsy knew deep down that Delia wouldn't have even considered sleeping until she knew Patsy was safe, and she was right. Delia had tried everything to calm her nerves and had now resorted to pacing up and down her room. Staring aimlessly at a photo of her and Patsy. Patsy knew it would be so easy to go into to see Delia to explain the actions but she just couldn't bring her too. Standing in the corridor like a lost puppy Patsy made up her mind – she needed to see Delia, talk through today's events. Let her know what was happening because Delia could lose her job in the morning and Patsy needed to pre-warn her.

Patsy tiptoed across the corridor finding she needed more courage than normal to open Delia's door.

"Patience Mount, if I didn't know any better I would say you were avoiding me" Delia was being hard to read. So patsy still didn't know if Delia knew about any of today's events. Delia took Patsy's hand and pulled her into the room quietly closing the door behind them.

"I just can't do it any more Deels" Patsy was shaking now "Someone's filed a report about us". Delia didn't know what to say - they were careful, they were close every knew that but she didn't understand- she didn't ant to understand what was happening.

"They have taken me off midwife duties and Sister Julienne was phoning the London today to discuss further action for you" Patsy's word came out stumbled and almost like a drunken slur.

"I denied it Deels and they have no real proof just a patient that saw us when we were on our way back from the gateways"

"It's okay Patsy' Delia said. I haven't seen Sister Julienne yet but if she wants to talk to me, I will tell her that it's a wild idea and it's just simply not true" Delia was calm to look at but her voice was unsure she knew how much this must be eating patsy up. She knew how much midwifery meant to Patsy and because of their actions – Delia's carelessness she may lose all she has worked for.

"I want to badly to kiss you when were out in public, waiting for the bus. I want to hold your hand or put your hand on your knee when watching, but I can't. It makes me so Angry Deels I almost want the world to know" Patsy was angry but scared, fear couldn't mask the anger she was feeling.

She didn't care anymore, she didn't care that it was a sin, she was in love with the person of her dreams and yet that wasn't allowed. Her love wasn't allowed.

"Pats" Delia was holding Patsy She could feel the warmth of Patsy against her body. "It's going to be okay"

"But Delia…" Patsy started to talk only to be cut off by Delia who pulls away slightly and presses her finger onto Patsy's lips.

"Shh. I love you Patsy Mount and there is no point worrying about events we can't change. We can't change who we are and you know what? I don't want to."

Patsy smiled a little, her lips still pressed against Delia's finger.

"I know that we may not be able to shout our love to the world but I would rather love you in secret for the rest of our lives than have one minute without you" Then she lets her finger drop from Patsy's lips.

Patsy's heart rate slowly starts slowing down because with Delia she felt safe, that's when it hits Patsy during the fuss of the evening she had become so caught up in her job and forgotten that was most important. Delia. Patsy loved Delia and Delia loved her. Patsy really adored her and she would do so until the end of her days – she had just seemed to forget that for a while.

"Oh Delia, I love you too. So, very, very, very much." Patsy punctuated her words with kisses on her forehead, her cheeks and then finally her lips.

Patsy knew she couldn't spend another night in Delia's room, but she just didn't want to leave. They kissed for a few more minutes – there lips locking, sparks flying as they forgot about the day's event. Delia didn't even know half of it but Patsy couldn't bring herself to tell her, she just wanted to enjoy her girlfriend company without thinking about Barbara or the nuns.


	6. Chapter 6

As Patsy finally prepared herself to leave Delia held her by the door. Just for a second Delia could shut out where they were and focus on the women she loved. "Pats" She whispers. She kisses Patsy again in the light of the open door and hallway anyone could have walked past but they didn't care about anyone else anymore.

"I believe things will change. They have to. One day Patsy Mount we will be able to walk down the street holding hands. Or get married and when that day comes I'll be so proud to call you my wife" She pressed three kisses against Patsy's flushed face and feels Patsy's eye filling with tears. Patsy wanted to believe her.

"Love you Delia" Patsy responded before walking silently down the corridor.

As she opened her door she wasn't surprised to find that Trixie wasn't in bed but sat up smoking a cigarette and reading the same vogue she always fell back to. Trixie leapt out of bed before Patsy had time to register the situation.

"Oh Patsy I'm so sorry" Trixie sounded just as hurt as Patsy by the whole situation

"I'm guessing Sister Julienne told the whole of Poplar," Patsy said a bit taken back by Trixie sudden hug  
"No, she just told everyone that due to change in even you wouldn't be participating in midwifery duties anymore "Trixie paused before continuing "I was the only one that put the event together"

Patsy didn't know what to respond but the silence said more than words ever could. Patsy moved in silence and pain onto her bed, with no energy to get changed she just lay – she wanted to tell Trixie it was going to be okay, but only to try and convince herself.

"Is that all she said?" Patsy asked trying to work out what her options were.  
"Yes, she mentioned it rather casually over dinner. Barbara ,bless her is worried it due to the argument you and she had earlier." Trixie was trying to lighten the mood but her words were still spoken with real concern.

Patsy poured herself a glass – she tried not to drink around Trixie because of how strong she was being but she needed a drink, she needed to forget her thought and forget the event of the previous day.

"Oh, I do need to apologize to her, don't I?" Patsy asked trying to keep the convocation away from her and Delia. Trixie was too focused on the amber liquid to respond straight away. Her eyes fixated on the Patsy pouring the liquid into a glass and the golden glow the glass was giving off. She watched, entranced as Patsy took a sip waiting for Trixie to answer. Patsy saw the look in Trixie's eyes and immediately put the drink to the side of her bed away from Trixie's view.

"Sorry Trixie" Patsy said shaking Trixie out of her trance.

Trixie carrying on like nothing had happened "She wanted to find you tonight, she felt terrible about what she said to you- you know she didn't mean it like that"

Patsy knew Trixie was right but for some reason she couldn't make her argument with Barbara a big deal – by the time she had a chance to speak to her , Barbara would most likely already be aware of who was making those noises then she wouldn't want to talk to her anyway.

Delia lay in her room, trying to sleep wishing Patsy was by her side, keeping her warm making sure she was okay. The anticipation of tomorrow's events was kind of a nervous energy. It tingled through her like electrical sparks on the way to the ground, gathering at her toes. Before she knew it the sun would rise and her life would change. While Delia had never been a smoker and had banned Patsy from doing such thing in her bedroom, she had found one of Patsy cigarettes in a jacket pocket Patsy had left in her room. She kept the cigarettes before returning the jacket to Patsy several weeks earlier and now Delia thought, now would be a suitable time to try one.

With a box of matches used to light candles, she lit her cigarette up. She inhaled slowly coughing a little as it first entered her system. She couldn't see the attraction Patsy had with them and had been trying to get Patsy to stop since Doctor Turner spoke about the possible effects. Taking small slow draws of the cigarette, she felt somewhat calmed. She felt her lungs being wrapped in a warm blanket, a feeling she had never felt before

xxx

Patsy got up earlier than normal, not 100% what she was waking up for but she knew she needed to see Delia again, make sure she was calm. To calm herself down. She was nervous for Delia more so than herself. Her mum would disown her if she knew any of the events of the day before. Delia was sat on her bed, smoke filled her room and her eyes filled with fear, she sat aimlessly as if absorbed in the smoke.

"Delia" Patsy screamed horrified and assumed the worst. She knew the scream was loud and would most likely wake up other members of the house.  
"Pats" Delia murmured in a tired voice. Patsy ran to open the window in an attempt to get rid of the smoke.  
"Delia, are you okay?" Patsy asked, sitting on Delia's bed. Delia had dozed off sat upright making her looks slightly uneasy at first glance  
"I'm fine, Pats. I lit one of you bloody cigarettes to help me think" Patsy smiled at Delia and her annoyed humor "But all it did was smoke out my whole room" Delia's welsh voice echoed in Patsy's body making her smile in the light of the early morning sun. Her voice was tired but the welshness made her sound almost cheerful

Delia shook off her fears and tiredness standing up slowly. In the midst of all the smoke, she had almost convinced herself that the previous' day's events were just dreams, or nightmares. But no as she sank back down to reality she still had to face them. While Patsy had avoided telling her large chunks of the day before Delia knew she had heard Barbara talking to nurse Crain about it after dinner.

Delia let word roll off her tongue in a timbre of warmth , the melodic sounds hit Patsy's ear drums but she didn't listen she was mesmerized by Delia her every move made patsy's heart beat faster and clearer. Patsy smiled at Delia's early morning rant that had somehow merged with her apology due to the smell. Patsy wondered how Delia was so prepared for the day that faced her with Patsy struggling to stay in popular because of the events she found it refreshing that Delia didn't look fazed.

The truth was it did bother Delia right down to the core but her mum had always taught her that hope was the best way. When she was in the hospital she had to hope that her memories would return and hope got her through that – Delia had already lost everything once she wasn't going to lose it again. Hope to Delia was a bright start in a hopelessly dark universe. Through light years of distance, the brightness fills one's inner soul. Hope to Delia wasn't just an emotion like it was to Patsy and the others hope was a promise that smiling and laughter was just around the corner.

..

Patsy went down to breakfast first, leaving Delia to get ready. She braced herself for the nuns as she headed downstairs – but they were just as busy as ever barely having time to notice nurse Mounts arrival. Sister Julienne stood still looking at the route of today trying to work out where was the best fit for Patsy to go.

"Nurse Mount – Your with Barbara doing insulin this morning" She didn't look Patsy in the eye but her voice was clear and direct. She could have been standing square on. Patsy didn't say a word just braced herself for Barbara debating, wondering if she should apologues.

"Now Nurse Mount" Sister Julienne spoke again, this time looking at Patsy using her eyes to direct her towards the exit. She grabbed her bag not having time to check if everything was in there she headed out the bicycles. The sheds feel silent as she walked over. Neither nuns nor nurses so much as breathed loudly.

"So who are we seeing first?" Patsy asked trying to put on a false smile and failing miserably.  
."Mr. Saxon," Barbara said a bit shook up by the mood Pasty appeared to be in. Trixie nodded her head before heading off in her own direction.  
The way as long and silent – Neither of them tried to make convosation as they cycled in the crisp British air. The sky was getting more overcast since the nurses work first things this morning. The sky had lost the early morning sun and while it was still early it as now awash with various shades of gray, in places a chunk light managed to break through, but otherwise it almost felt pre-dawn. The gloom of the day was reflected in the mood of the nurses on their bikes. Patsy wanted to say sorry but didn't know the words and Barbara didn't know how to even begin. Both the girls wanted to start again but neither one wanted to open their mouths


	7. Chapter 7

Delia on the other hand was pacing up and down her room as if determined to wear out a thin trail in her wooden floor, she stared down at her own shoes has she walked. Her eyes were large as watery as she fought back the tears she would blame them on the smoke if anyone saw her. She didn't want to face the Nuns and was trying to leave the least amount of time between when she left her room and when she needed to leave for her shift in a desperate attempt to run out the door avoiding eye contact.

The smell of cigarettes lingered on her but she didn't mind it – she smelt like Patsy a she liked the warmth that made her feel. She had been completely ready for work for 20 minutes but still Delia didn't want to leave her room – she had tried to convince Patsy it was going to be okay but she wasn't sure. Did they have any proof? What did they really know?

There was a polite knock at the door as Delia was staring at herself blankly through the refection of the window

"Nurse Busby" It was sister Julienne – she knew she had to open the door and face her real life but she simply didn't want too. She didn't want to have to face the truth of what she and Patsy had been doing for months.

Slowly Delia opened the door "I was just on my way down Sister" Delia said trying to act surprised by the sister's appearance

"I just wandered if I could have a word with you before you headed to your shift" Sister Julienne's voice sounded firmer than it did with Patsy not that Delia knew every details of the events that went on between Patsy and the sister –Delia wasn't sure she wanted to know.

"It shan't take a minute" Sister Julienne continued

"My office?" She asked Delia in the way in which a school teacher would ask you if you were paying attention. The sister didn't want an answer but just wanted to check Delia was listening

"Yes, of course sister. Lead the way" Delia's wish accent was clearer and more obvious when she was nervous- at that moment you would have never known she had spent any time in longer, her accent was stronger than her mother's even during her best attempt to come off calm.

When they sat the office Delia sat with slightly less fear then Patsy – she had less riding on it than Patsy did. Patsy was sure she still had her job because sister had wanted to see her before she left- that to Delia implied she was still allowed to go. That one comment left her slightly more at ease.

"I assume Nurse Mount has made you aware of the accusations brought against you and her" She paused for a moment –Delia wasn't sure if she expected a reply but from the stern tone in her voice she decided silence was the safer option. Delia gave a quick nod then let Sister continue "While it may not be a criminal offence – what you were accused of doing is looked down upon and is a sin" Her voice was monotone but Delia tried to stay interested and not drift off into her own little bubble.

"I have informed the London Clinic of the situation" She paused for a moment like she had to prepare herself her what was going to say "As it's an ongoing investigation and there isn't any concrete evidence against you as well as Men's surgery being very under staff they have agreed to you let you keep your position" Sister Julienne sounded almost disappointed. Like she wanted Delia to lose her job

"Sister, this accusation is barbaric and insane" Delia said. She was a terrible liar but she knew she had to say something she had to protest her innocents. The words tumbled slowly and cautiously out of her mouth, each one wrapped in fear.

"Nurse, I understand what a rumor like this can do to someone, I feel I should also make you aware that the situation has been reported to the mother house, while you're not a midwife with us here you do live her, so you situation is up for discussion as well as Nurse Mounts" the words echoed from the room of her moth, spreading through Delia every bone. She couldn't lose this- if she lost this her mum would make her go back to Wales and she couldn't leave Patsy not after all they had been through.

"Sister I can assure you me and Patsy are just friends" Delia said calmer no then she was before. Being scared was past her now – she knew the truth she knew that she loved a ginger girls that rocked slacks and checked shirts. She didn't need to prove that to the nurse and she didn't need to lose her job over it – because she knew the truth.

As Delia turned to walk away tears streamed silently down her face, she didn't want to cry but she didn't want to lose it all- she didn't want to lose everything she loved.


	8. Chapter 8

This has been taken down and edited and now re-uploaded. i have tried my best with the grammar and spellings if there is still ten ton of obvious one just from my a private message. i haven't edited the other chapters

thanks you please enjoy!

After the 4th patent Patsy knew she needed to say something – they hadn't even been making small talk, they just worked in complete silence only speaking a few words even when discussing patients.

"Barbara..." Patsy finally mustered up the courage while leaving Miss Bliss' house

"...Look Patsy" Barbara cut in "I just need to know something" She paused for a moment, waiting for Patsy to respond almost as if to check she was allowed to ask a question. Patsy gestured her head, giving Barbara the all clear to continue as they walked to their bikes that were leant to peacefully against the rails.

"Do you hate me for a what I said yesterday, because you know I didn't mean it like that" She spoke fast, just trying to get it all out in the open before Barbaras nerves got the better of her.

Patsy smiled "Barbara what a crazy thought – I don't hate you."

"Well that jolly good news," Barbara said slightly slower, smiling slightly now. Only Barbara could be that stressed out of such a small event. While the rest of rounds were silent, and they only made small talk about the sudden changes in weather and plans for when it wasn't so cold – but they weren't trying to avoid conversation anymore. Barbara didn't talk any more about the other night and didn't ask why Patsy wasn't on the midwife router anymore. Patsy just kept with the small talk avoid any conversation that could lead back to Delia.

Delia was taking over Patsy's mind; Patsy wondered if she had spoken to the nuns about the event that had messed up everything. Did she lie? Did she break under the glare of Sister Julienne like so many had done before? Sister Julienne was a hard woman to lie too. She was reasonable and fair, doing things by the book yet going slightly out her way in innocent ways to make everyone's life easier. While Patsy hated what was going on she knew that blaming Sister Julienne was not the answer to the problems and wasn't going to solve the problem and it currently wasn't going to make her life easier. Patsy just had to grit her teeth and they both had to be more careful next time. There wasn't going to be any more Gateways, not for a while at least.

The inky darkness had engulfed the failing light in the sky by the time Delia got home from her shift. Silence lingered around the dining table as they sat there in silence. Delia was late but not late enough for her to miss out on meal times. Patsy's eyes flickered trying not make eye contact with anyone yet she still wanted to look calm and in control. Like nothing bothered her. Trixie saved the day as per usual by spending the whole meal talking about a surgeon she met while checking on one of her women at the maternity home. They were going to the pictures tomorrow and Trixie was utterly trying to get herself out of being on call. Patsy so wanted to volunteer to be on call instead if she weren't banned she would have- Trixie deserved a night off. Looking at the router, she was picking up all the Patsy's work; Patsy couldn't help feeling sorry but it wasn't like she didn't want to do it. Oh, she did but there wasn't anything she could do now. Just wait for the mother house to get back to them. She had assumed that one of the nuns had written to them explaining it to them, as far as Patsy was aware the mother house didn't have a telephone.

Delia looked lost around the table, she had spent the whole afternoon constructing scenarios for the evening's events, and even tried to stay late to avoid all the possible outcomes she had envisioned.

When the room broke into a selection of small conversations Delia and Patsy spoke to Sister Monica Joan, the conversation was littered with smiles, which was the real communication, not the word. The short glances to each other told the story of love that lay between them, unspoken, forbidden. It was as obvious as the morning sun, as real as the glass that lined their windows, as real as the grass. The feelings that flowed through them as the conversation filled the air. Trixie watched almost in ore at how complete they made each other. Her heart filled with regret that she couldn't have accepted them sooner or that the world wouldn't accept them. How she had spent 20 minutes talking so freely about this surgeon but Delia or Patsy they couldn't do that, they could gloat to the word about what a great date they had had, or share the pain when they had an argument. Trixie's heart broke for them – for hat they had been through and for the future they wouldn't never really get to have.

When the nuns went off to the church, that evening and she didn't see anyone for the rest of the night. Patsy gave an enormous sigh of relief that the evening hadn't been made any harder than she thought before making her way up to bed. Patsy sat outside on the doorstep to Nonnatus House in the cool air; it was so cold she couldn't hide her shaking. She had been up most the night and exhaustion was plastered over her face. The bed sheets were in a knot and aside form a few fit-full half hours of vivid dreams she didn't sleep a wink. Her brain was constantly searching for something to tell her that it was all going to be okay but she couldn't find one.

It was a Tuesday; she had spent more of the evening outside the house then she had in her bed. She escaped breakfast by spending it in the bathroom before she knew it the world was a clinic or on their rounds but she was sat in the house, Delia had gone to work early but she finished mid afternoon so they were going to go out- Escape the world for a bit.

Patsy heads back inside again as the boils the water for the 5th time that morning already filled to the brim with tea and wired with caffeine she busied herself getting the cup and teabag ready. Another quick glance at the world around her only seemed to confirm that time was slowing down. She had a long day in front of her but she felt like every day from no one was going to be long. Trixie had tried to make last night seem like an ordinary night evening. Even hinting that Patsy went in to see Delia but Patsy just lay in her bed, not even having a late night cigarette she didn't know what to do with herself. She didn't need to be up at the crack of dawn every morning or have one ear open for the phone at all times because she wasn't needed. Not now at least. Patsy had even allocated a place in the A and E department at the London starting on Thursday – I think the nuns were getting sick of her moping and she was driving Sister Monica Joan insane and that was quite an achievement. What Patsy was unaware of was how much planning had gone into her new shifts at the London. Sister Julienne had spoken in great lengths with the head of men's surgery to make sure their shifts overlapped in the worst ways possible with no day off that matched and barely a free afternoon – this plan stopped them spending any time together. If Patsy or Delia had worked out how much planning had gone into keeping them apart, they would have been outraged but the truth is Sister Julienne did it to protect them. She didn't know what was happening between the two nurses and while she wanted to believe they went the people in questions a sick sense told her that they did exactly what the women saw. By scheduling their shifts, the Sister kept the girls apart and by keeping them apart, no one can see them together. There was already whispers on the streets, the rumour was already seeping ins way into the casual gossip of the clinics, and while Patsy was none the wiser of Trixie had spent most of the clinic protesting Patsy's innocent to a large number of pregnant women.

No-one could stop the rumors spreading and Patsy not being on midwifery duties made her look guilty already!


	9. Chapter 9

Patsy didn't understand how much this rumour would change her life; she didn't know what she was going to do, but all those months ago Patsy promised Delia they wouldn't live as they were – she wanted to keep that promise she just didn't know how, how does he change the world. How does on midwife scream at the top of her lungs that she's in love with another woman. While sitting watching the TV, it clicked – she didn't that she didn't care that she was a dyke anymore, because she was in love, with a beautiful welsh woman, why did no one understand? She had always been so hidden, Delia was the confident one, and she came up with all the ideas because Patsy lived in fear. She was always going to live in fear, but she didn't want to be scared of hugging her girlfriend in public or flinching when Delia gives her a friendly pat on the back around the table. No-one noticed but yet Patsy felt like it as wrong. She hated herself for what she was, yet she didn't hate the fact she was in love. Patsy had been through so much in her still short life, and being in love with Delia wasn't the easiest option, but she couldn't imagine anything else. To be honest, the redheaded nurse didn't want anything else!

"Such Beauty masked by such sadness" Sister Monica Joan said causing Patsy to break out of her daydream. She looked in shock at the sisters puzzled facial expression; Pasty wasn't crying, in fact, she seemed the most content she had done in days

"Sister?" Patsy questioned

"I cannot bring myself to remain in the presence of such betrayal. You are in love. You must fight" Sister Monica Joan blurted out over the top of the TV– Patsy was sure everyone in the house would have heard her comment. The old nun didn't say anything more on the subject, and Patsy didn't comment back- if anyone was listening in, then she didn't want them to hear. Patsy did smile at the external support she had of the old sister. It meant a lot to her.

"Now I smell fresh cake," Sister Monica Joan said getting up from the sofa and going to the kitchen. Patsy just sat there a little overwhelmed with the previous convocation and slightly disappointed that she didn't have the courage to reply. She didn't have the guts to thank the sister for her support. Oh, she wished she had.

…

Delia's day was dragging. The welsh nurse could feel the eyes of everyone on her; the hospital corridors felt stuffier than normal. She was walking through the same hallways as she had been doing for many years, yet it all felt different. She felt trapped yet freer at the same time. The uniform felt tighter on today, and she felt like she stuck out like a bad apple, even though she looked identical to the day before. Delia finally sat down for her lunch it was the first time in four hours she'd had a moment for herself just to sit. The morning had been a blur of taking vitals, making beds, wheeling people around and administering medications. Officially this was her lunch time; she had handed over to another nurse but she didn't want to go into the lunch room with all the others – she didn't want to face them. She had heard the rumours floating around the corridor even though no one had said anything to her. She had heard them talking. Her smile was falsely painted on. She sat outside the hospital, staring at the grey emotionless sky, she was tired but not just from lack of sleep – she was emotionally tired, she was tired of keeping up an act. She didn't want to lie anymore, but her life without the lie would mean a life without Patsy, and she couldn't do that to herself.

"Delia, what heavens are you doing sat outside in the cold?" Trixie asked, stopping on her bike suddenly – letting the breaks make that horrible squeaking sound she had been complaining to Fred about

"I don't know where else to go! It was here or the toilets!" Delia responded, trying to stop the tears that were rolling down her face "I hear them talking about me like I'm some sort of animal at the zoo – I can't face them during my lunch" Her welsh accent shook as she spoke. She had been so strong for Patsy but she was cracking under it all. Trixie got off her bike and placed herself by Delia's side

"It's going to be okay, you know," Trixie said with the up most confidence "You haven't done anything wrong apart from fall in love – I am ashamed how long it took me to release such a thing." Delia smiled – she knew how long it had taken Trixie to be okay with it all – how long it took Trixie to understand that Patsy and herself were just in love nothing strange or wrong about it. Delia was grateful that Trixie had worked it out, life would have been unbearable if they didn't have the blonde midwife on their side.

"I feel like all I am hearing about around the ward is my own personal private life, and half of it isn't even true!" Delia said, the tears were starting to dry, while she hadn't completely stopped crying the cold wind that surrounded her whisked away her tears.

"It will okay, just pretend it doesn't bother you and the world will move on," Trixie said before standing back up. "Now I have got to get back to the clinic I only came out because a mother had left a child at the clinic" She smiled a little, it wasn't a happy smile but it was convincing all the same.

* * *

Delia and Patsy spent days passing each other in the halls of their shared house barely getting a chance to smile at each other never mind share a laugh or a kiss. With their shifts never quite matching up when Patsy started at the London, they both felt lost. Neither one of them could protest; the rumour was still on the forefront of most people in Poplars mind's and Patsy had noticed the change, supposed friends that she now shared shifts with at the London or people she used to work with now passing her in the hallways making a very apparent attempt to avoid eye contact. With no word from the mother house and nothing she could do Patsy jut gritted her teeth. She wanted to be a midwife again, slowly her and Delia we slipping back to being ghosts in each other's lives. Trixie smiled when Patsy got home, but it was breaking her seeing her friend in pain. Patsy had been so great when Trixie relieved her secret, so very supportive. But, Trixie didn't know how to repay the favour, she did what she could. She would have screamed Patsy's innocents from the roof of every building if she thought it would change just a single persons mind about what kind of person her best friend was but the truth was that people didn't want to believe Trixie. People of Poplar had seen Patsy and Delia around but not thought anything of it; the florist didn't make the connection but when the connection was made for her – it made sense.

No one at Nonnatus House spoke to the rumour, in fact, they made an appalling attempt at avoiding any conversation where it may come up – Barbara never asked Patsy if they were true. In fact, no one did. No one asked her if she was okay they just ignored it, Patsy slowly started shutting them out. She wasn't a midwife anyone. Patsy didn't want to hear the stories about the clinic that she wasn't allowed to step foot in or the events surrounding the church which Tom recommended that neither she and Delia didn't attend. She knew that the whole of Poplar thought she was a sinner, and she was, but it didn't matter to her because she was in love and that to her was so much more important.

It was two weeks since Patsy had started on the ward. Two long weeks since she had spoken to Delia properly, since they had shared a bed, shared a kiss. Patsy had had enough. She didn't care about her job anymore; she wasn't doing what she loved and she wasn't seeing the person she loved. She would rather not have a job but get to see Delia. She had got home from a late shift as Delia was leaving for a night shift. That's how their paths crossed, fast in the corridor.

The rain thudded against the window; it battered the roof like a hail of bullets, rain hammered down, covering the window like a wall of water, falling in brief and sudden showers. It hit the windows relentlessly all the same like the drumming of nails. Patsy stared aimlessly out of it. She didn't know what she was looking at but it didn't matter to her because she didn't care. Patsy had no energy to join in with Trixie's and Barbara conversation about Tom or Trixie's surgeon friend who had now become a common topic. She didn't care about the up and coming dance that nor she or Delia was invited to, and she didn't have the energy to pretend to care anymore.

"Patsy – I was thinking about buying a pair of slacks. Any advice?" Barbara asked trying to get Patsy out of her trance, trying to make her friend feel wanted again.

"Barbara! Quite frankly I think you're more than capable of picking out your own clothing!" Patsy snapped. Using her last bit of energy to jump out of her bed and storm out her room. Grabbing her coat on the way out, she headed into the rain. Her emotional pain seeped out into her words; it hurt Trixie to hear them, to listen to the hidden loneliness inside Patsy's voice. Trixie knew that Patsy was holding on like a fighter, but she had been holding on for so long Trixie half expect Patsy to snap but she thought it would have been at one of the Sisters.

"Patsy!" Sister Mary Cynthia burst as Patsy rushed past her on the stairs, tears ran down her face but she didn't wipe them off. She knew where she was going and she was going to get a lot wetter than just a few stray tears. Patsy had never felt so alone or so lost as when Delia had her accident. She was so incapable of doing even the smallest tasks. Then Delia came back and it changed but what Patsy didn't realise was that the pain she felt when Delia had her accident was only the beginning of the pain, the silent suffering and the endless conga line of emotions that were in store for her.

Rain and tears mingled on her face. Salty tracks blended into the fresh sky-fallen trickles. Only the pinkness on her eyes gave any clue to her sadness. The rain fell softly as if it knew of the hardships both behind Patsy and ahead of her. She grabbed a bike out of the hut, it was too dark to tell whose it was, but she didn't care. She just needed to from A to B, and she would have taken Nurse Cranes car if she knew where she kept the keys. As she cycled each droplet of rain alighted on her skin with just enough coolness to command her mind to the present, pulling her away from memories and the uncertainty of what as to come.

She was so thoroughly wet and numb that she didn't feel the splash of rain on her legs as she cycled through the already formed puddles. The streets passed in a frigid blur. Only a year ago doing what she was about to do would have scared her senseless but now she felt drawn to it, it was the only thing she could do. She didn't have a purpose in life anymore. She didn't have anything to lose. She had promised Delia all those months ago that they wouldn't live as they were and she needed to keep that promise. As she continued on her cycle ride, the rain came in waves, scattering across the pavement like a tipped over a bucket of pain. She turned round countless time checking that any of her friends didn't follow. The water streamed through her hair, down her neck, soaking her clothes. The wind cut through her like a knife, but she couldn't care. She was finally doing something for love and not for life.

She parked her bike outside the still busy London hospital and stood there for a moment under the grey, gloomy darkness of the sky. She saw Delia's Shadow in a window. Her body was frozen, but she knew what she had to do, grabbing a nearby pebble Patsy through it against the window and another and another until her welsh girl opened the rusty old window as if about to yell, but she saw Patsy sobbing wet, but smiling. She didn't say a word but ran out the room, and before either knew it, Delia was holding Patsy's wet body against her.

The rain ran down their faces to where their lips finally met, each tasting the cold drop. They knew it was wrong, but they didn't care, Patsy wanted Delia back.

"I won't live like this anymore," Patsy said breaking her lips from Delia's

The street outside the London was deserted apart from the couple locked in a kiss. Their faces dipped with the wintry gift from the clouds. Patsy holds her hands gently to her hair as Delia rested her hands on Patsy black coat, it was sodden through and cold, but Delia didn't care. Patsy smiled for the first time in weeks.

"I love you, Patsy Mount," Delia said smiling back

"I love you too" Patsy replied. Just for a moment they forgot where they were. They had forgotten all the risks either that or they didn't care.

"I'm calling in sick tomorrow," Patsy said looking Delia in the eyes, her voice sounded happy yet almost scared

"You, me and whatever film you desire to see. I know it will be to kill a mockingbird. " Patsy continued

"Now that's an offer I can't refuse," Delia said. Their moment was cut short by a sharp voice from inside the hospital

"Nurse Busby – if you have fallen asleep there is going to be trouble" The voice yelled from inside.

"I had better go. Bye Patsy," Delia said, slowly releasing Patsy's hand as she fled back into the hospital.

Patsy stood there, just watching, staring as Delia waltzed back into the hospital. She was tired now but felt somewhat better, slightly more alive than she had done. She didn't feel so lost anymore. She knew where she belonged… With Delia.


	10. Chapter 10

She tried to sneak back in silently; she didn't want people to ask questions, she didn't want to have to lie to them. She didn't want to lie anymore. If anyone asked her she knew the truth was going to come out, she was in love and she had already lost so much she didn't care about losing the rest.

"Patsy" A small voice echoed from the kitchen. Patsy rolled her eyes at the caring nature of Sister Mary Cynthia. She ambled into the kitchen half hoping she didn't look as wet as she felt.

"Oh, Patsy," Trixie said, trying to hold her laughter of her sopping wet friend that stood before her and Sister Mary Cynthia.

"Where on earth did you go? You have been gone well over an hour." Sister Mary Cynthia asked. Trixie knew where she had gone, she knew, why the faded nature of her lipstick and that forbidden smile that Patsy couldn't get off her lips.

Delia had always been the brave one, the outgoing one. She had always been proud of Patsy. She was so much more open and lived in so much less fear than Patsy had. But tonight Patsy felt fearless:

"Well if you must know, I cycled to the London to see Delia. I threw rocks at the window until she came down and they we kissed in the rain" She spoke fast but not out of panic, she really didn't care anymore. Patsy smiled, Trixie was still trying to contain her laughter avoided looking at Sister Mary Cynthia's shocked face.

"Now while I am grateful that you were concerned enough to stay up- I am really rather cold, and very wet so I am going to go and change." With that Patsy made her way upstairs, trying to hold in her smile and keep her face serious and truthful. Sister Mary Cynthia opened her mouth several times but no words came out, she didn't know what to say. She couldn't word her feels her mind was caught been her friend and her didn't dare open her mouth but was still smiling at the stupid courage Patsy had found.  
"Sister, if you have something to say, say it!" Trixie said taking the last drag from her cigarettes.  
"It's wrong. The bible says so" She stuttered a little before misquoting bible verse " A man must not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman."  
"There's no men here sister. Find your sodding bible verse for that" Trixie snapped. Shocked at how strong Sister Mary Cynthia's faith was when Patsy had just confided in her. Sister Mary Cynthia was confused, she loved God and his words were the ones he lived by but this wasn't just a random stranger this was her friends. Trixie left the sister in the kitchen. She couldn't change the nun's mind on right and wrong and she wasn't going to waste her breath trying. She wanted to congratulate Patsy on her most surprising answer to a question that was easily explainable – she knew that Patsy had most likely just made the biggest mistake my telling sister Mary Cynthia but she was too proud of her friend and her actions to care.

"Patsy Mount – I didn't think you had it in you" Trixie aid entering the room she shared with Patsy.  
"Neither did I" Patsy replied, giving a nervous smile. Her voice was as happy with Trixie's and spoke with more concern. She didn't turn to look at Trixie for a fear she would break down in tears. Instead she just stood and stared at her wet hair in the mirror.  
"Delia's going to kill me," Patsy said, turning to face Trixie. Trixie was still smiling but could see Patsy's concern. She wanted to relate to Patsy and she was trying. But she couldn't. She had no idea what Patsy was going through; she knew the risks everyone did. Being a dyke if you were a man was life threating and while Patsy and Delia's relationship wasn't a criminal offence it still wasn't acceptable. They were risking everything for love and that's why Trixie cared too much.  
"I'm sure she won't kill you!" Trixie said. They both let out another nervous laugh.  
"For future reference," Trixie continues "If you're going to meet her for a quick kissing session at least try and colour code your lipsticks.". That was the reason Patsy loved Trixie. She knew the seriousness of the situation yet she was making Patsy feel safe like she had done nothing wrong.

Patsy smiled again. Patsy had spent the last number of days living in fear and she was sick of it. She knew that losing her job was inevitable so she may as well enjoy the last moments she has left. They both went to bed, nothing more was said about the events of the night and it was probably for the best, Patsy was full of fear and Trixie was just as scared she didn't want to lose Patsy. But she didn't know what she could do? She was helpless and trying to help would only prove Patsy's guilt. She didn't want to tell everyone that the rumours were true but nothing was going to get better if everyone just denied the existence of loving people of the same gender.

They both lay in their beds, neither sleeping, neither smoking, neither moving. Neither had anything to say- that's a lie, they both had lots to say but didn't want to dwell on the events that were messing up Patsy's life and messing up Patsy's heart.

The clock struck 5 am, and Delia's face fell faster than vomit. 11 hours of smiling and she wanted to kill something. She missed Patsy and the night on the ward had only got slower after their little meeting. She just wanted to go home, as soon as the clock struck 5 she walked out of the big doors of the London and started the walk home. She never got back on a back. She didn't want too and the fear that would cross Patsy's face when Delia got anywhere near a bike was enough to put Delia off. She knew how much her accident and she didn't want to put Patsy through that again. She didn't want to put herself through that again. She was tired but excited for the cinema with Patsy. She had to pretend that nothing was happening though – she knew people would quickly work out that Patsy Mount the girl who has never had a day off sick in her life wasn't really sick. But, Delia didn't care providing they could get to the pictures before anyone clocked on, it wouldn't matter. Patsy hated working on the AandE ward so the fear of getting fired didn't seem to bother her like it would have if it were midwifery.

In the 7 hours Patsy had been in bed, she had woken up over 12 times. Not for that long each time, but enough to break up her sleep into chunks, sufficient time for her to think things she didn't want to think. With every disturbance there was a new nightmare. She lost Delia. She lost her job. The house was burning and she can't dowse it. The fear that kept her awake was the same fear that made her want to sleep and never wake up. The only thing that could save her from the demons of her tomorrow was sleep.

When Delia finally got home, the first signs of life were up at the house, with the Nuns starting to rise. She felt like she had been away a lifetime not a night. She avoided the kitchen in case she bumped into and instead headed straight for her room. She wanted to see Patsy but didn't just want to storm into her room; she didn't know what to do with herself. He felt lost, yet found. The feelings unsettled her. She was unaware of Patsy's remark to the sister yesterday, so as far as she was aware no one knew the events of the London in the rain.

Patsy knew that she had promised Delia a day off and she was going to stick to her word; she just wasn't sure how. She lay in bed pretending to be asleep while Trixie left the room to get started on her rounds. When she heard the hustle of everyone leaving, she headed downstairs still in her nightwear. She headed to the phone to call the London. Patsy didn't care if they didn't believe her. She knew that she wouldn't be putting uniform on and going into work today.

She dialled the number, trying not to shake. Patsy had never been one to break the rules. Not like this anyway but she knew what she had to do.  
"Hello is Patsy Mount – I am just calling in as I am under the weather today so won't be in today" She didn't sound ill but she didn't care. She knew she was meant to have a doctor's note but there was nothing anyone could do.  
"Well thank you for letting us know Miss Mount," The women on the other end of the phone said. As Patsy walked back up the stairs, to make use of the empty bathroom, she saw Sister Mary Cynthia leaving Sister Juliennes office. Patsy's heart started beating faster and faster. She walked faster. She through they were all meant to be out? What had she done? Trying to shake it off. She carried on with her plans for the morning. Sister Julienne would just assume it was Delia in the Bathroom as Patsy was at work. That's what Patsy was hoping, and she needed that hope to get her through. Patsy would never admit her fear. She was in a situation that others would find terrifying yet she was carrying herself as if nothing was wrong. Not a man in a thousand could spot her never ending tension.

* * *

There was a big hard knock at the door - echoing through the walls of the house. Hearing no noise from Patsy's room Delia went to open the door. Delia was putting in her earrings and was really hoping there wasn't a concerned father at the door. She ran down the stairs as she did so. There stood her beautiful girlfriend.

"Patsy," Delia said smiling.

"I got us two tickets to see to kill a mockingbird – starting in an hour" Patsy was smiling, with the tickets in her hand. She had heard the nuns discussing the book a few months back and was looking for a reason to see the film. This was the perfect reason. She wasn't sure whether it was her and Delia's usual type of film but it was the only thing playing, and she wasn't going to waste her 'sick day' doing nothing. Plus she had promised Delia a movie.

Delia shut the door behind her, no turning back. She didn't want to know if anyone was around to see her and Patsy walking down the road arm in arm.

Delia feared lots of things, she feared about being misunderstood, but she feared losing Patsy the most. Since meeting Patsy her world had become clearer yet more confusing. She didn't realise how messed up the world was and she didn't know what she was meant to do about it. Since meeting Patsy she knew what real love was. She finally knew what her parents meant when they told her about love yet she felt powerless, she knew the world wasn't changing anytime soon, but she had to believe it would because she had to convince Patsy that it was going to change because without hope they were nothing. She never told a soul about her feelings; she didn't have to. You could tell her face that the rumours were true but she didn't deny them, she called them crazy but to anyone other than the nuns she didn't tell anyone they weren't true. That way she didn't have to lie anymore.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hope this is dragging along too much for people, I try to update regularly. Please let me know what you think!**

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Patsy would never admit it but she loved the pictures, even though she was mid 20s she always found something quite childlike about the excitement you get when the film started to play. The cinema had a buzz of excited talk. Children on tiptoed stares at the ticket booth and mother gossiping while finishing their cigarettes. The place felt swimming with people. Smiles never left either of their faces, they didn't kiss or make clear displays of affections but they stood closer together than other ladies around them, they didn't care anymore. If Patsy listen in close enough she could hear others mentioning her name but she did her best to zone it out, she was watching Delia.

The darkness of the film is a gloom that permeates every aspect of script and plots. In the darkness of the film, Patsy's hand could sit slightly against Delia's while it was an unseen act it made them feel real, and official. Even if no one else could see.

They were linking arms and laughing when entering the home they shared. Patsy had completely forgotten that not only was she not in work she had in fact called in sick. She definitely wasn't sick.

"Miss Mount – Glad to see you feeling better" Sister Julienne said, her stern voice made Patsy and Delia's arm unlink at one and wiped there smitten smiles off both their faces.

"The hospital was quite concern when you rang in sick this morning as was I when I didn't find you in your room" She spoke fast and clearly, the speed didn't take away from the disapproving tone in her voice. Patsy didn't know what to say, she had had a great day much better than A and E, no one nun or not could take that away from her.

"Look sister..." Patsy started to speak but she could feel Delia's concerned eyes staring at her, making her watch her words. "I'm sorry sister" Was all she could say, she was sorry but she wasn't sorry for missing work and pretending to be sick she was sorry that the rest of the world disapproved of her love. Patsy had no reason do to what she did, not in anyone else's mind anyway but in her mind there was 101 reasons why calling in sick was the right thing to do. She needed to be with Delia and she was sick of being stopped for no good reason.

"If you could join me in my office I would greatly appreciate it" Sister Julienne said, there was no smile on her face. No joy. There was nothing on her face. There was a first – disappointment but now there was nothing, it's like she was past caring, or she simply didn't care anymore. As patsy followed sister to her office, she looked back at Delia who still stood in the door way, she was trying to smile to keep Patsy smiling but she couldn't, she couldn't fake a smile. There was nothing to be happy about. She didn't know what to think but Delia wasn't sure she wanted to think. She just wanted to go back to how the day was a few moments before, when they were just 2 ladies who lunched and had gone to the pictures – no questions asked. But now there was going to be more questions asked then either of the lovers could answer or more than either of them wanted too.

* * *

Trixie came rushing to see Delia after the office door slammed shut

"It was Sister Mary Cynthia – Delia I'm so sorry, but to her, her faith meant more"

Delia had no idea, what Trixie was on about but whatever it was- it sounded like she was about to lose her Patsy, she couldn't lose her Patsy. After everything they had been through there relationship was about to be ruined by a nun!

Fear crippled her body, she wanted to move, to act like everything was okay but she couldn't pretend any longer.

Delia finally looked Trixie in the eye, she as tearing up they both were "What did the sister do?" Delia spoke calmly but there as an inner anger resent in her sole that patsy would have noticed but she knew Trixie wouldn't.

"Patsy told sister yesterday and Cynthia couldn't keep it to herself" Trixie spoke to Delia like she was a concern parent, she couldn't help it, she was concerned and it wasn't like Delia could talk to her parents about the events of the previous weeks. Delia couldn't talk to anyone about the events of the previous week – neither of the girls trust any, Patsy would barely talk to Trixie about it and they were close all things considered.

Delia couldn't spit out any worlds but she could feel the anger inside of her. Before she could think twice and long before Trixie could react. Delia stormed into the other room where the sister sat rolling bandages with Sister Monica Joan.

"You did this" Was all Delia could say.

Slap. Before anyone could do anything, Delia's hand made a sharp bunt contact with the sister's face. Her hand cracked across the sister's face, snapping it back with the force of her blow and causing the sisters head to reel sickeningly as it slammed back into the tense air behind her. Delia wanted to feel bad with all that sister Mary Cynthia had gone through she didn't deserve to be slapped but at that moment Delia had no control of her actions. Tears rolled down her face, and her whole body shook, she didn't even know what the sister was saying to her in the office but she didn't care – she knew it wouldn't be good.

Trixie grabbed Delia and held her, while she just cried that was all they could do and no one could blame her.

"You brought this pain a pone one's self" Sister Monica Joan said, but she wasn't looking at Delia who was in tears, she was looking at her fellow sister who held her face in both pain and shock.

"It's a sin" Sister Mary Cynthia quivered back in response

"Come on Delia, let me take you upstairs" Trixie said avoiding responding to either sisters, she knew that she loved Delia and Patsy but she wasn't religious, she didn't have the same views as the nuns , so she didn't feel it was her place to comment especially since she snapped at Cynthia yesterday over what was her beliefs.

Delia didn't speak, she just let Trixie hold her and guide her up the stairs into the room that Trixie shared with Patsy.

The truth was she didn't know what to say, she had never slapped someone like that, she had never slapped someone with so much anger ,so much rage and at the moment her hand hit the face she was filled with so much hatred. She had been so hidden, so alone for so long – the she met Patsy and everything made sense. After the accident she didn't think anything would ever make sense again. When it finally did she was so happy and she couldn't understand why someone would want to take that away from her. Why would someone want to take away the one person that made her world make sense?

Meanwhile Patsy had no idea what Delia had done, not that she would have stopped her, she had just as much anger for Sister Mary Cynthia as Delia did!

"Nurse Mount" Sister Julienne said, breaking the silence that had followed them in to the normally chatty office.

"I don't know what you were thinking, calling in sick. They gave you that post in the London out of kindness and you think it's acceptable to phone in sick..."

"Sorry Sister" Patsy cut in to say which made the sister even more annoyed much to Patsy's horror

"Not only that nurse Mount you then spend you day with Nurse Busby- with recent rumors that are going around and what you told Sister Mary Cynthia" Patsy's heart sunk when she heard that sister Mary Cynthia has picked faith over friendship – she had picked the nun and god over one of her friends and her happiness. Patsy didn't know what to say, well she knew exactly what she wanted to say – she just knew that it wouldn't help the situation.

"I don't know what you want me to say sister" Patsy replied. She wasn't going to come out with some heartfelt apology , saying how deeply sorry she was because she wasn't sorry an she wasn't going to lie anymore – she was sick of living a lie when her lie wasn't hurting anyone but everyone was hurting her.

"Well…" Sister Julienne said, starting to speak before Patsy cut in filled with a new lease of life, a new lease of passion.

"You can think what you want about me and Delia but we have both been through a lot if you don't mind me saying- we aren't hurting anyone but you have already taken midwifery away from me, if you don't want me here I will more than happily pack my bag and find another job because I am a midwife. In fact I'm a very good midwife." Patsy spoke fast in an attempt to not only say everything she wanted to say but also so she didn't stutter and make her point look any less valid.

"You are a very good midwife but what you're doing…" Sister paused for a moment trying to work out way not to offend Nurse Mount more than she already have to because while she couldn't condone what she was doing she still cared deeply about the redheaded nurse and her welsh friend.

"… The lifestyle you have decided to pursue, you can't do that and be a midwife"

"Well I was doing it alright before everyone stuck there nose in and decided I will the biggest sinner since Hitler. I will pack my bags and be out by Monday" This while patsy never said it to Sister Julienne, this was her admission and the sister knew that.

Sister Julienne tried to stick to the rules, and this was what had happened, he was going to lose a perfectly good midwife.

"I'm sorry Nurse Mount" Was all sister Julienne could say. There was a small hint of emotion in the sister's voice but she was trying to stand strong. The rules were there for a reason. That's what she had to keep telling herself anyway.

"So am I Sister, so am I." Patsy didn't cry, she had wasted so many tears on feelings in the last few weeks, she had no tears left. Her eyes were dry. The feelings flowing through her body were unreal. Her brain wasn't processing as much as she wanted to try and rationalize the events in the office but she couldn't. She couldn't face the fact that she had 4 days until she would be leaving but she didn't have a plan, nowhere to go. Nothing but Delia. Delia was love and love was irrational and stupid. Patsy didn't really understand what that meant until she had met Delia but now, crazy irrational things seemed to make so much more sense.


	12. Chapter 12

**Trying to update as often as I can- hope I'm not boring you!**

 **thanks for reading**

* * *

Patsy walked with pride back to her room; she was shaking but it now felt natural to her, fear in her body now wasn't a surprise or a shock to anyone. She lived in fear. She always had but this fear was different. She had been caught, and her punishment had been given but she wasn't worried about her but Delia. If Delia wasn't allowed to stay here then Patsy knew her mum would make her go back to Wales. Patsy knew that she had fought so hard to Delia's presents she couldn't lose it, she couldn't get it sent all the way back to Wales. She couldn't face this alone. She was resisting all the feelings flowing throughout her body, she didn't want to admit how powerless she really was. She wandered slowly down the corridor to her bedroom. Patsy thought she was strong enough to handle it all until she saw Trixie holding Delia who was trying to shake off her tears, trying to act okay, Trixie held up a smile when she saw Patsy but Delia couldn't even look up from the ground.

"She slapped Cynthia," Trixie said trying not to laugh- she had never been very good with serious situations and laughing was the only way she could avoid the drink. Patsy could cry over that; she bit her lip in an attempt not to laugh as she walked over to comfort her clearly very distressed girlfriend.

"Well I got fired, so it could be worse," Patsy said trying and failing to make light of the situation. As soon as the words left her mouth she knew that she should have handled the conversation differently

"You got what cariad?" Delia looked up for the first time since.

"I am packing my stuff, and I will be gone by Monday" Patsy replied. The truth was she wasn't actually fired but it was the easiest way to explain the situation, and she knew she wasn't wanted here and wasn't allowed to be a midwife in Poplar, so her agreement to leave felt like she had been fired.

"Oh, Pats!" Delia said, going over to Patsy ad holding her in her welsh arms. Delia knew if there were a god she would be going to hell and with that thought in her mind, she kissed Patsy tears ran down both their faces and through the light of the open door it was magical. A smile stuck across Trixie's face as she saw a small glimpse of happiness in Patsy's face.

"I'll leave you to it," Trixie said scooting past them and shutting the door behind her. Patsy had mastered the fake smile, right down to the wrinkles around her eyes. No one ever questioned her expect one person, expect from her Delia. She saw in her eyes, and she saw her feelings, but all she could do now was hold Patsy close while they could still be together and pretend that the world wasn't against them.

* * *

Trixie faced the downstairs with gritted teeth. It was as tense as she had imagined but she wiped on her fake smile that she had learnt from her roommate and sat down at the table with the nuns. Sister Mary Cynthia's face still looked red but no one mentioned anything at all, small talk was hard to maintain and no one asked where Patsy and Delia were, people either didn't care, didn't want to know or in most the unaware cases of the nuns just assumed they had eaten out.

"I have an announcement" Sister Julienne said, breaking the uncomfortable silence and glances that went on around the table.

"Nurse Mount will, unfortunately, be leaving us, as of Monday" Her voice sounded more caring than it had done when she was talking to Patsy. The nuns sentence was full of uncertainty and pauses that were noted by the other even if no one spoke. Trixie's head swirled with comments and opinions but she decided that it was best to keep them to herself, her heart hung heavy with regret for not speaking up and standing up for her best friend but she didn't know what else she could do – or say.

"I have already requested a replacement" She continued. Trixie couldn't stay at the table any longer.

"If you don't mind – I need to get ready for my keep fit" Trixie stood up fast and turned away before letting the tears flow down her face, she couldn't let the others see how very much she cared for her friend. Patsy had been by Trixie's side for everything and now she was losing her due to who she loved. Due to Sister Mary Cynthia. She couldn't help but place all the blame on her – she needed someone to put the blame on and what Sister Mary Cynthia did was the final thing that the mother house needed to send Patsy away. She couldn't lose her best friend.

No one spoke as Trixie left the table, she didn't even have keep fit tonight but she knew she couldn't sit there any longer.

* * *

The girls spent most the evening in silence, they didn't know what to say and they really didn't want to talk about it, Patsy and Delia said comfortably on Patsy's bed – they weren't going to hide it any longer. Patsy was leaving they had lost it all anyway – it didn't matter what the nuns thought about it. Patsy would do anything for a night cap but she didn't want to tempt Trixie, she was leaving Trixie all alone she couldn't show her drink as an option – not now, not ever.

The girls faced a game of cards with a slow record spinning in the background; the record sent Patsy back to a night at the gateways but she didn't want to try and remember a good time because then she would have to face how bad this bad time really is.

There was a knock on their door, which Trixie was quite thankful for as Delia was beating her hands down. They looked a little in shock at who would be bothering them, none of them spoke as Trixie got up from her bed and went to the door, dancing a little in her step to try and keep the mood as light as it could be.

"Nurse Crain," Trixie said in surprise. She hadn't thought about who may be standing behind the door but nurse Crain wasn't anywhere close to the top of her list.

"Hello, Nurse Franklin – I was wondering if Nurse Mount was in" Trixie opened the door a little to show Patsy was on her bed, she was sat cards in one had a cigarette in one hand with Delia casually trying to grab it out her hand. They were smiling which made Nurse Crain smile.

"Nurse Mount," Nurse Crain said, snapping Patsy's out of her Delia trance.  
"I am ever so sorry to hear that you will be leaving us – I don't know what you have lined up however I thought I would make you aware that there is a midwifery post going in Oxford. I have written the details down. They are expecting you call" She smiled a harsh kind of smile, they didn't see Nurse Crain smiling very often so Patsy didn't expect anything more.  
Nurse Crain handed the piece of paper to Trixie

"Thank you," Patsy said. She wasn't sure what else she needed to say. That was very sweet of nurse Crain but Patsy wouldn't be able to get a job in midwifery not if they asked why she was leaving Poplar. No one would hire her with this rumour around her. She needed to thank Nurse Crain all the same. That was the nicest thing that she had ever done for Patsy and she really did appreciate it.

"Again, I am sorry you're leaving Nurse Mount," She said before sharply turning her back and heading back to her room.

"Oxford..." Trixie said "That's no too far away" She continued trying to make light of a situation that had become very real very fast.

"I guess not," Patsy said leaning her hand with her cigarette down by her leg "Got it" Delia chirped up grabbing the cigarette out of her hand and putting it out in the ash train. She kissed Patsy on the cheek as she did so. Pasty smiled at Delia continued effort.

Trixie handed Patsy the paper with the details on "I guess I better give them a call tomorrow – it's not like I have another option."

"It's going to be okay cariad," Delia said, she didn't want to stop focusing on Patsy but she couldn't help but wondering what was going to happen to her. She assumed she would be allowed to stay but she didn't know – she would have to find a dig somewhere if you. She could imagine her Mam's face. She knew if her mother knew she would have her on the first train back to Wales and there would be nothing Delia would be able to do but do what she was told. She didn't want to add to Patsy pain but she wasn't sure she could stay here if the one thing she stayed for was going to be out of reach. She didn't know what to do but she knew she couldn't think of herself she had to think about Patsy.


	13. Chapter 13

The weekend passed on slowly while everyone walked to talk about the events no one wanted to ask questions – no one asked anything at all. Trixie smiled a hollow smile and Delia couldn't help but let her mind wander – while she and Patsy weren't open around the home they shared. They didn't have ear anymore. Patsy was packing her things in the same boxes Delia's arrived in the moments of sadness were hidden but fake laughs and nonalcoholic nightcaps.

Trixie tried not to cry; she knew that how she felt wouldn't change anything, and it didn't matter what she thought. She wasn't going to be able to alter the religion that the nuns cared so deeply for.

Saturday was long. The weather hadn't cheered up and either had Patsy ad Delia. Trixie was out at a birth. So it was Patsy and Delia with a record and vacant stares. They spent hours in silence looking at the room that Patsy had started to pack away. She couldn't imagine a life outside that room; she never thought she was going to. Patsy didn't believe that she would ever have to leave the home of Poplar. The idea terrified her but she kept on a brave face. Thanks to Nurse Crain she at least had another job – it wasn't popular and it wasn't two doors down from Delia but it came with a room, in a nurses home and it paid. She was a midwife but she was losing Delia, Patsy thought she would be happy after what felt like a lifetime without being a midwife but in reality, she couldn't have been more wrong. She felt empty and alone no matter ow hard she tried. Patsy wondered why more words weren't spoken that day but the truth was she didn't share her secret life with anyone so know one really knew the truth – Both her and Delia shared the parts of their lives that were bearable or shareable with strangers. She laughed about things that were eating her up inside because that was the easiest thing to do. And life, after all, was all about finding the easiest path. The path of least pain and least lies. While both Patsy and Delia's life was always going to be full of lies they didn't think that they would be separated over them – parted over the truth. Even in the darkest of days like that Saturday with boxes surrounding here, there was something about Delia that made Patsy feel so young inside, but not in a childish way. She woke the real side of Patsy the best, all the facets of herself that only require love to be whole. Patsy knew that if she has the chance to spend eternity with Delia in peace and freedom she would be able to sink to serenity but she also knew that if the events of the last few weeks were anything to go by an eternity by Delia's side as looking further and further away. She knew that Delia made her heart strong in times of pain. Her smile alone burnishes her soul time and time again in a way that she hadn't felt before the bubbly welsh nurse came into her life. Before she and Delia met she was one, now she was half yet she somehow felt better than she was before.

A knock on the door made both the girls jump, neither of them wanted to move but with a sudden spear of energy Delia opened the door to find sister Mary Cynthia. They hadn't spoke since the incident and while it was never reported the mark on the sisters face was explained to the people to close to her, the mark was truly a crime of love and passion. It wasn't meant to hurt Sister Mary Cynthia for fun; it was Delia's way of making her understand the pain that the lovers faced. Sister knew that.

"Hello Patsy" She spoke, her voice was still as happy as ever. She completely looked past Delia for reasons unknown to everyone even the sister herself.  
"Sister," Patsy said, her voice was shaking, but she was trying to stay calm.  
"I just wondered if you needed any help with the packing that was all."  
"She's just fine thank you very much!" A voice snapped from behind the sister.  
"You all right Trixie? Mrs Baxter okay?" Delia asked. Letting Patsy breath a small silent sigh of relief.  
"A healthy baby boy," Trixie said smiling, overtaking the sister and placing herself down on her bed.  
"Good I'm glad, with all that trouble she had with her first" Patsy said, giving Trixie a lost sad smile.

Sister Mary Cynthia didn't overstay her welcome and left with Delia shutting the door firmly behind her. Patsy never found out the reason why the sister had done what she had done, nor why she wanted to help Patsy pack up her boxes. She didn't want to know

"I don't understand Pats... why are they doing this to you, yet not one soul has told me to pack up my things" Delia asked, well stated.  
"I don't know deels," Patsy said. The truth was she was so caught up in her own troubles to give a second thought to what will happen to Delia, which she knew was selfish but she couldn't think of anything right now, thinking about anything but her next card move made her head hurt and her eyes fill with tears. She really didn't want to leave.  
"It is not going to be the same without you here Patsy," Trixie said. She wasn't lying. The house was going to be different without the redhead's ways, her methods of cleaning things or her ability to wear slacks for every occasion. Her honesty around patients.  
"Do you remember your first clinic?" Trixie asked, getting a cigarette from the side and staring hopelessly at all the boxes filling up her nodded holding in her laugh.

"I haven't heard this," Delia said looking at both her friends as they were holding in their laughter.  
"She called a baby fat Delia," Trixie said, the smoke from her cigarette mixed with her laughter made her cough, but there was a real smile on her face, one that she didn't think would appear.  
"You did what Pats?" Delia said. She was now sat down next to her girlfriend. Patsy warmth gave Delia comfort, and she really needed it right now.  
Neither Patsy or Trixie could get a word out there mouth. Patsy kept her firmly shut to avoid laughing, and Trixie couldn't hold her laughter in "I didn't call the poor baby fat" Patsy finally manages to say "I just said the baby was putting on weight and may have implied that the poor sod was taking after their mother," Patsy said, breathing deeply to control her laughter "Pats, you didn't," Delia remarked giving Patsy a slap on her arm off door opened and Barbara walked in.

"Don't suppose you mind if I join you, do you? Nurse Crain is practising her Spanish and its driving me quite crazy" Barbara said. Trixie gave a quick glance to Patsy and Delia just to check but none of the girls minded. Patsy felt rather guilty for keeping Barbara out of everything but she was dating Tom and trying she was also the daughter of a vicar, so Patsy wasn't counting on her acceptance.  
"Did we tell you about the first night Barbara was here?" Trixie asked Delia. Delia was sure they had mentioned it but seeing Patsy happy remember old events put her mind at ease so she would hear the story a million times jus to see her girlfriend smile.  
"No, I don't think you have Trixie. Do tell" Delia said leaning on Patsy's shoulder. She was tired, but she wasn't wasting any more time away from Pasty then she had too.  
"It wasn't funny," Barbara said, crossing her legs on Trixie's bed. She was on call so was the only one of the nurses in uniform

"That was all Trixie" Patsy laughed "Trixie told me that there was no alcohol involved!" Barbara said "No, I think you will recall I never gave you confirmed answer!" Trixie said. The laughter the girls were making would have been heard throughout the house but they didn't care- the nuns wouldn't disturb them; they were avoiding them all when they could. No one wanted to make small talk with Patsy because no one knew the words to say what they were feeling. The silences were no longer silences but thoughts, the girl's laughter was calming to each other, and just for a moment, they forgot why all the boxes surrounded them. They ignored the inevitable and focused on the present as much as it pained Patsy to do so.

"I remember the first time Delia came over," Barbara said, "They put on a big lunch it was quite a sight. Until they opened the cake tin to find that Sister Monica Joan had already eaten the whole cake" The girls smiled.  
"That wasn't the first time I came over," Delia said without thinking. Patsy gave Delia a light glare. She didn't really care if they girls knew she had been over before.  
"Of course it wasn't" Trixie said smiling at Patsy "Not like that Trixie" Patsy said. You couldn't have pictured a happier scene if you tried.  
"No, we ate chips in the chapel," Patsy said. Her voice was calm; there was no longer shakiness in her voice but happiness. She no longer felt sad about leaving because she was leaving with a lifetime of great memories, with great people. With the closest thing, she had ever really had to a family in a long time.

"Patsy you didn't" Barbara nodded her head while trying to hold in her laughter "We couldn't eat out in the streets – we were in our uniforms," Delia said as if trying to defend their actions from all that time ago. The girls spend the rest of the evenings laughing, soda in hand. None of them mentioned the future but that was their way of pretending it wasn't going to happen, their way of pretending that Tom wasn't going to pick Patsy up in the bus on Monday morning with all her things. It was there was of holding off the inevitable. With the help of Nurse Crain Trixie had looked at bus routes and maps to work out how far away her dear friend was moving too, there was a direct bus which would stop less that 10 minutes away from Patsy's new home. It wasn't a lifetime away, but it still wasn't popular. Trixie knew that they would be able to write to each other and even meet up for coffee when their days off matched but she couldn't help feeling sad that Patsy was going to have to leave and she was just standing by so helplessly. The truth was she didn't know what to do – Patsy and Delia's actions were there own but they were in love and she didn't understand why no one else could see that as clearly as she could. She couldn't remember why she wasn't accepting at first but even when the idea made her feel quite sick she would never have told any of the Sisters – it wasn't her place to say it, it wasn't anyone's place to say anything no matter what they thought.

Trixie didn't know what to think about. The laughter she made was real, but it helped mask the fear she couldn't hide anymore. As the evening ticked on the girls became tired and it wasn't long before Barbara couldn't disguise her tiredness any longer, she was on call but you could tell she wasn't going to make it through the night.

"Babs – why don't you go to bed? I promise to come and wake you if the phone goes" Delia said.  
"Are sure Delia?" Barbara asked she sounded almost surprised by Delia's offer.  
"Yes, I'm sure," Delia said. She was tired herself but had no plans to be leaving her redheaded girlfriend alone until she left. And if that meant power napping on her shift tomorrow then so be it!  
"I'm going to get out of these clothes," Trixie said, she had been sat in her uniform since she got in and without the smell of cigarettes to mask the smell she would have made the whole room smell.  
"Good night," Barbara said. Pulling herself off Trixie's bed and making her way to the door "I hope Nurse Crain is finished. I'm not sure I can bare a long night of Spanish" Barbara sighed as she walked out the door.  
"I will be back in a tick" Trixie followed Barbara out the door, with her nightwear and makeup set in hand.


	14. Chapter 14

Patsy's eyes were now fixated on the boxes around her; she couldn't help but take her mind to what her life would be like without all her friends around her.

"Pats, sweetheart," Delia said walking over to the record player and starting their favourite record. She pulled Patsy up from her bed and they stood in each other's arms, dancing slowly around the room.

"At least we aren't ghosts anymore," Patsy said looking at her welsh girlfriend and they moved slowly around the room she shared with Trixie, carefully avoiding the boxes. Moving in sync, in harmony. Delia smiled as she remembers the evening at the coffee shop. Her memories after the accidents were all there just slightly jumbled yet she could remember that night as clear as it was yesterday. During her recovery, she couldn't work out why it stuck so clearly in her mind but when she returned to Poplar it hit her. That evening in the coffee shop was so important because that was when she knew. She wouldn't want her life without Patsy and she wouldn't lie, she couldn't live her life in a lie.

"I love you, Cariad. That means I will defend you with my life even if the odds were insurmountable. It means I will comfort you in the challenging and painful times. Its means I will dance and rejoice with you when times are good. It means I will never betray you, never give up on you. It means finding my fire with you Patsy mount, my loved one when you are being threatened yet never waging war – only doing what is necessary. Love is saying I forgive you. My ma used to say that love will test me, and this feels like an enormous test but knows I am yours no matter how many miles will stretch between us. I will never abandon you. It means that I will never put you in danger no matter how noble the cause may be. My teacher used to make the call remember that love means protecting the earth, protecting humanity, being kind to everyone but should anyone demand your life to save their own you tell them to rot in hell". She smiled a little, remember her old teachers saying " There can never be a higher calling to me than loving you Pats."

"I'm going to cry," Trixie said standing in the doorway. She didn't realise she had interrupted their special moment until she had already opened her mouth.

Patsy let out a burst of laughter

"Oh crumbs, I ruined a moment did I?" Trixie said

Delia didn't look a Trixie she was still staring deeply into Patsy soul. Delia nodded slowly, trying to hold in her laugh.

Xxx

On Sunday morning both Patsy and Delia with the support of Trixie went down for breakfast. Patsy had avoided everyone since they were told her departure but she couldn't not say goodbye and plus she was hungry. They sat there knee deep in silence. The faucet dripped into the sink, each one reverberating around the room like a cymbal, yet it felt like no one blinked or moved to stop it. Outside there was no noise, not even a bird singing. That morning everything food that Patsy put in her mouth tasted like cardboard. No amount of chewing made her toast possible to swallow. Her mouth was dryer than a sandbox in summer.

"I better be off, the insulin won't get to the people themselves," Trixie said. The nurse stood up slowly placing her hand on Patsy's back as a way of support " I will help you finish packing when I get back" she said, it was aimed at Patsy but said it loudly enough in order to make the nuns uncomfortable.

"I have the day off if you need any help." Sister Winifred said- she was trying to be supportive and unlike sister Mary Cynthia, who Trixie believed offered to help Patsy just to make sure Patsy and Delia weren't doing anything that her version of God would disprove off.

"I think I'm nearly done but thank you for the offer sister," Patsy said, not making eye contact with the table who were now looking at her.

"well please do let me know if you need any help at all" The sister said.

"We are all here if you need anything," Sister Mary Cynthia said. Patsy couldn't understand why she was being so nice when she was the reason that Patsy's things were all in boxes in the first place!

"If you were all here for me then I wouldn't be being made to leave" She snapped pushing her chair out from under the table nearly knocking Trixie over. Sister Julienne gave a long deep sigh; she knew that this weekend was going to be hard for Patsy, but she didn't realise how much of a toll it would take on the rest of her house.

"She's not wrong sister. Don't pretend to be here to help her pack up her things when you're the reason she has to do so in the first place." Trixie said before walking out.

Barbara and Delia said nothing. Delia wanted to but didn't know how to word her anger or her grief. She didn't know how to explain to a selection of nuns that what her and Patsy were doing was nothing wrong; there was nothing sinful about it. It was love and it was right and it was deserved.

No went to see Patsy after she stormed off; other than Delia who stuck her head in on the way to her shift "I won't be long Pats, see you when I get home... Love you."

"You too Deels" They were the only words spoken to Patsy that morning. Barbara went out with Tom and Patsy was left on her own camping out in her room full of boxes.

She didn't know what to do with herself; she didn't know who she could talk to, or who would even want to speak to her. She didn't want to leave Poplar. Her family, she didn't want to have to start again, somewhere new, somewhere unknown. She didn't want to move on. Everything she loved was here.

Before she knew it, she had nothing left but a couple of boxes and a suitcase. Leaving was killing her soul as sure as a dagger can stop one's heart beating. She didn't want to say her goodbyes and packing her things onto the bus made her whole body shake. She knew leaving wouldn't be easy, even when it was the only option available. If there was no hope she would have still stayed by Delia's side and choose to die in the dark, because while packing up the rest of her stuff alone that Sunday night she realised that without the love she had received off Delia she wouldn't be the person she was today. Everyone knew what leaving meant for Patsy; she loved Poplar, and everyone was having to bite their tongue to follow through with the rules and not turn around and ask her stay.

Patsy 'family' crowded outside the doors the home they used to share to wave her off. Apart from Delia she was at work, Patsy had held off as long as she could but she needed couldn't keep Tom waiting forever, she couldn't keep poor Sister Monica Joan waiting outside forever, she was already getting distracted.

As Patsy put her last suitcase on the bus Sister Julienne grabbed her and held Patsy's hands in her own "I pray that you understand why this has happened Nurse Mount". Patsy was in shock that that was all the sister could say to her, after all the years Patsy had given to Poplar all the Sister could say was that she prayed for Patsy! What Patsy didn't know was the Sister didn't know what to say, she was losing an excellent nurse/midwife and someone she considered a friend.

"I don't pray Sister," Patsy said, seeing Trixie giggling out the corner of her eye at Patsy quick response. Patsy had always been good at them to hide her feelings. That's how she coped with pain and loss, right at that moment her heart felt with Pain and was screaming for the loss of what she was leaving behind.

Trixie and her best friend had said goodbye so many times since the sun rose, Trixie knew that she couldn't face another goodbye. The smiled at each other as Barbara hugged Patsy. That's when Patsy saw her out the corner of her eye. Her purple uniform walking down the street, she cut Barbaras hug short and ran down the cold street to meet in Delia's arms. Hugs were never long enough for Delia. In Patsy's arms, she was safe, and her worried disappeared like rain on summer earth. In the embrace, she was cocooned better than any butterfly-to-be. She felt Patsy's soft skin against her and gently squeezed on her own. In all the pain she was feeling she bathed in Patsy's warmth and her unique sense of perfume and old cigarettes.

"Bye Deels," Patsy said

"Hwyl Fawr" Was all Delia could say. The welsh speaking alone told Patsy all the Delis emotions.

"Go" was the only other word Delia could say, she turned her head away to hide her tears and pointed towards the bus. Patsy couldn't walk up to her slowly and pull her back in her grasp. She'd couldn't surround Delia in her warmth like she wanted to and she couldn't feel the world around her melt away as they kissed. Because they weren't allowed, neither of them wanted the bus to drive away, yet it did. No amount of stalling could have stopped the bus from pulling off. As Patsy sat alone on the bus, Tom tried to make small talk but gave up rather quickly. With all of Patsy's energy she managed to hold in all the pent up emotions, she kept them in the darkness, but it was the longest journey she had ever had.


	15. Chapter 15

Delia of the other hand dashed upstairs and curled in the fetal position on Patsy old bed and let herself cry like she was a child again. Her world had just shattered and she didn't know how she was going to be alright again. When her wracking sobs subsided, she pulled herself up and went to the bathroom to wash her face with cold water. She barely recognised the person looking back at her in the mirror, she had hollow eyes and sunken cheeks. She knew she would have to pull herself together. She didn't think she would ever understand what Patsy felt when she had her accident and Delia was hoping this was as bad a loss that she was going to have to feel over Patsy. She went back into her room; it felt emptier she didn't know why but she didn't have too. She didn't know how she was going to cope all alone in Poplar or how she was going to explain to her mother why Patsy had suddenly left. She had kept her mum completely out this drama and she was glad but oh how she wished she could write her mum a long letter explaining her broken heart and the love that she lost because hey were careless. Delia stared blankly at the vase where Patsy had put flowers the first day Delia had arrived and wondered what her mother would say. Would she even reply to her letter? She didn't realise it but a pair of tears raced down her cheeks. A soft, caring knock on the door woke Delia up out her trance

"It's me Delia. Do let me in" Trixie's calming voice came through the wooden door and into Delia's heart. Delia didn't respond but Trixie came in all the same.

"Are you okay?" Trixie asked. She already knew the answer because she was just as lost as her welsh friend.

"I will be fine," Delia said, trying to sound stronger than she was.

"I spoke to Sister Julienne and she said that you could move into Patsy bed if you want," Trixie said "It took some convincing but I don't want to be with the new midwife" Trixie continued laughing at her own problems

"You sure you don't mind?" Delia asked she was surprised Trixie didn't mind; they didn't really know each other and bar living in the same house they only really had Patsy in common.

"Well, Patsy liked you so you cant be that bad... or that messy," Trixie said, remembering the first time she had laid eyes on the redhead. She had cleaned the whole kitchen due to the smell of dog muck on the bottom on the dear sister's shoes. "Well I would really appreciate it," Delia said, finally looking at Trixie to see they both shared the same bloodshot eyes and lost look over there faces.

* * *

The air was perfumed by the heavy scent of the lilies that someone had left in her room. Their white petals were striking against the backdrop of the otherwise cold looking stone call, simply beautiful but it wasn't Nonnatus House. On closer inspection, Patsy could see that their stamens had been removed. She reached out a hand to the delicate snowy petal, and she knew that this would be the last time she could ever enjoy lilies, from now on they just reminded her of the time she had to say goodbye. There sent would forever be sickly and repugnant. Their scent will always remind her of better days.

The days gradually became a week, and soon Patsy started to settle into the new nurse's house, it wasn't home not like where she had come from. It wasn't fancy and it didn't feel like a home. People didn't eat together, the other nurses Patsy was surrounded with, they were no family, they were all nice and Patsy made small talk and the occasional joke with a few of them. Not like at Nonnatus House but she was going to make the best of a bad situation. She hadn't yet mastered the buses but in some dark evenings the place reminded her of Poplar, the cobbled street had slightly better lighting than what she was used to but the cold air and the smell made her remember all she had left.

As much as the redheaded midwife hated to admit it soon enough, the building Patsy never thought she would settle in did start to sort of feel like a home. Tere was no nuns or no Trixie or no Delia but the people there weren't horrible no matter how many times she tried to convince herself they were. The all made small talk and someone was always around when Patsy needed someone to share a cigarette with. None of them asked too many questions in return for little questions to be asked back. They were all just there to do a job- that was respected and stuck too.

It was bigger than the convert but it wasn't crowded. Patsy became one of 16 nurses that had a residence in the home. She kept herself to herself just doing what she was asked and counting down the days until her and her lovers days matched up. No matter what Patsy thought about the place, no matter how much she tried to convince herself that it would just take time, she didn't have a family here like she did before. There was just rooms and beds filled with tired nurses making small talk nothing more nothing less. All the people were polite enough yet no one said anything at all. At least no one cared enough to press Patsy on why she moved, the nurses just appreciated anyone who would lead a hand. The nursed around her were all different shapes and sizes but they weren't old – none of them Patsy responded were older than she was, she was sure she had the most experience and soon was known to lead a hand when needed. Patsy couldn't help but find it kind of exciting starting somewhere new but know what you are doing.

The job wasn't what she was used to; she hadn't seen anyone but pregnant women since he arrived, she was just Nurse here. Not a single mother asked her name and she gave up trying to plaster it into people's mind. She didn't hate it, she kept trying to convince herself that nothing would ever be as soon as Poplar, she was sure she was right. But she knew that this job was given to her with no questions asked. The pay was just as good and she got her own room. The people were friendly enough and it didn't take long for the place not to feel so dreadful as it did when she first arrived. It was never going to be the convent, but it was no prison camp.

"It comes in waves, Trixie," Patsy said, she tried to keep her voice calm but when talking about the life she had left behind, her heart couldn't help but sink. "Some days I'm fine and I don't think about the life I left behind. For some moments I am ale so simply forget that it ever happened until that reminder comes along and those some moments turn into days where my mind is kicking and screaming in pain and despair. Those reminders feed the demons inside of me – reminding me of all the things I could have done, reminding me off all the things I had to leave behind. Somehow in some twisted world I deserved all this because 'God' doesn't think I deserve to be happy. Because of their stupid bloody god. My pain comes in waves and sometimes, I am floating some days but most of the time I'm about to sink" Her rambling stopped her from breaking down in tears because she couldn't cry, No one would understand. They couldn't see her cry. She wouldn't cry. Trixie knew how much trouble she could get in for using the phone for personal calls but it was a rare occasional that both she and Patsy were sat by phones at the same time. She really did miss her friend and while life was moving on, some days she just saw Patsy in a comment someone would make or hear her laugh during a crowd.

"Trixie," A voice said from behind her.

"Oh rat Patsy I have got to go. Speak soon" Trixie said

"Looking forward to it. Send Delia my love" Patsy said before the phone line went dead. Patsy looked around the nearly empty room; there were nurses around but they all just minded their own businesses.


	16. Chapter 16

Nerves didn't cover how the girls felt as they both got ready in different houses miles apart for their day off, awkward smiles wee made with co-workers while inside they wanted to cry with joy. It had been so long. So long since they were together even just for a second.

* * *

Patsy finally got off the bus, and saw all she was missing, the magical world of Poplar was spinning past her eyes, the café lied ahead of her, it had had a new coat of royal blue paint which glistened in the golden rays of light, that brightened the day. Patsy smiled at the familiar Poplar still felt too her, she was nervous about meeting Delia and felt guilty about not informing Trixie of her trip. She had told herself that she would put her head round the place she used to call home but now she was here, the idea made her sick to her stomach. She didn't want to see who had replaced her. She didn't want to see how everyone had moved on already. She wouldn't have been able to cope and she knew that. Patsy's face smirked upwards at the sight of the flower pot to her right; she forgot how they appeared during the summer months. Poplar had been putting in new flowers in any small patch of green one could find, in the hope that during the heat of summer the flowers will give the place flashes of yellows and pinks. She took a deep breath before walking towards the café if she stopped walking she could have heard her heartbeat over the noise of the town. She wasn't in a real hurry she kept walking, the familiar sound of "I love how you love me" hit her ears as she pushed open the door to the café where she used to spend many happy hours.

A smile reached both sides of Patsy's face as she made eye contact with her welsh girlfriend for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, what she would have done to grab Delia in her arms and kiss her but she knew that this wasn't the time or the place. In the summer light in the café there knees almost touched under the narrow table. Their small talk made Patsy smile, hearing Delia rant about male surgery made Paty forget that she would be getting on a bus home in a few short hours.

Patsy removed her elbow from the table and sat up a little straighter as she braced herself for the question she really wanted to know the answer too: "Trixie has been avoiding telling me, how is the replacement?" Patsy asked, smiling while she asked but she was nervous about Delia's response.

"She's not you" Was all Delia could respond, that was all she could say, she missed Patsy and her confident presence around the house. It didn't feel the same without Patsy around her. It felt like the nurses home all over again. She didn't feel the family that Patsy felt; they had still been on edge with her since the event. While the other nurses didn't mention it, Delia still couldn't look half the sisters in the eye.

"Seriously Deels?"

"Seriously Pat!" Delia responded. She was just trying to be sweet everyone at the convent missed Patsy terribly, and Sister Monica Joan hadn't been the same since Patsy parted ways. Trixie couldn't accept the changes and isolated herself from the new girl all together, even avoiding making eye contact during the meals they shared. Delia would never tell Patsy but she almost felt sorry for the New midwife, for one she was replacing Nurse Mount and secondly she had arrived at Nonnatus House during one of then tense times. Trixie had ever seen it like this, people avoided talking about Patsy, and the new midwife didn't know where she belonged.

"Her name is Rose," Delia said, she assumed that Trixie had already shared that with Patsy but still told her all the same.

"Shes from Bristol" Delia continued, trying to read Patsy face to see if this was new information or not, but her facial expression was as hidden as ever. She was still smiling but that was for the same reason Delia was smiling, they were facing each other across a table again. It wasn't the gateways but they knew they would make it back there again one day. Patsy missed being around other people like her. Not that she would ever share that thought with Delia due to how much of a fuss she made every time Delia wanted to go. She missed being able to dance with her welsh lover, she missed not having to lie just for a few hours she could be her truest bestest self and she loved that.

"And that's all I'm saying Pats, To be perfectly honest that's all I know about her, Trixie acts like this poor girl doesn't even exist."

"Don't they share a room?" Patsy asked. She wasn't told about Delia and Trixie's arrangement not because either of them wanted to keep it from her but because it seemed a waste of a phone call when they didn't get long anyway.

"No, she's in my old room. I took your bed... I hope you don't mind."

"Deel, why an earth would I care. To be frank, I think that's quite sweet" She replied smiling.

"You should come back to Nonnatus House. Everyon... Most people will be delighted to see you" Delia said, getting a tiny bit excited

"I'm not sure Deels" Patsy's voice wasn't as excited as Delias, Patsy stared aimlessly out the window.

"Come on Cariad," Delia said, prying Patsy to finish her coffee, she wanted to show the nuns that they were stronger than where ever they sent Patsy, she wanted to show Trixie that Patsy was still alive.

"Fine but I will just pop in, no matter what you say I'm not staying for afternoon tea," Patsy said smiling, she missed Nonnatus House afternoon tea, but she wasn't sure she could deal with the fake conversation, not today, not on her only day off for two weeks. She had other fake conversations at the nurses home to last her a lifetime.

"I wouldn't dream of making you stay" Delia smiled her cheeky child like smile.

They drunk their coffees and continued to make small talk just like they used too. Patsy tried to avoid talking about her new life because she didn't want to make Delia feel any worse about the situation than she already did. Delia didn't want to pry into Patsy's new life, new job and new friends but she wanted to know. She was Welsh! She didn't like not knowing what was going on. She didn't like not being part of Patsy everyday life; this was worse than when Patsy first moved to Nonnatus House, at least then they were only cycling distance apart. Their outbursts of laughter echoed through the coffee shop, just like old times.

"Come on then Deels, let's go before I change my mine," Patsy said smiling but there was a seriousness to her voice that hadn't appeared in their previous conversations.

Delia didn't respond she just took the last swing of her now cold drink and followed Patsy out the door. The walk back towards the convent felt long then it normally did, Patsy didn't know what she would face when she walked through the door. She didn't know if anyone would be home and the as neither did Delia, she was hoping Trixie was home but she had zoned Trixie out this morning and focused on her own nerves and excitement.

The walk felt like a lifetime even though the pair had done it many times before. The route was engraved in Patsy's mind no matter how hard she tried to forget it, yet she couldn't help but feel somewhat lost in the streets of the place she used to call home. Theses streets weren't her home anymore. Being back in Poplar just reminded her of that horrible facts. Patsy noticed things that used to pass her by like a crack in the cobbled streets of the road. Staring down at the floor beneath her feet she couldn't understand how she ever managed to cycle it, walking it felt like a struggle. Maybe that was the road or maybe that was because of her reluctances to go back to a place she had been trying to forget.

There were a group of small children playing on the road near the entrance of the convent, while their mothers stood beside them chattering loudly as if no one was listening. After the couple walked a few more yards, Delia soon became aware that they were now the topic of the women's conversations. They looked not very subtly at the girls as they headed to the door. Delia wasn't sure that Patsy had noticed it but she was hoping that her girlfriend hadn't or she would never come back to Poplar again. The rumours and talking had become something Delia had gotten used to while Patsy left it all behind Delia hadn't been able to. She had to hear things about her every single day most of which weren't even correct but she couldn't say anything. No one would believe her even if she did.

Patsy pulled open the large door to the place she used to call home, the metal of the doorknob as cool against her palm and she twisted it with ease, entering the well-lit hallway.

Before Patsy could let out a sigh of relief, she was embraced with a hug off her blonde haired friend. Trixie mouthed Thank you to Delia who was stood a few paces behind Patsy. The house Patsy left behind looked the same, yet felt so very different. She was glad that she could look at it again. It reminded her about why she left. It reminded her of the rumours and the lies she kept.


	17. Chapter 17

Just realised how long this chapter is. Sorry it has taken so long to get up I just wasn't sure what direction to take it. Hope you enjoy. Not sure if i am going to end it here or not - let me know what you think! - R

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The good memories were almost lost as the only ones that came to her mind was the recent arguments with her against God. She was glad Trixie had seen her, had hugged her.

"I will put the kettle on" Delia said

The girls made small talk. They didn't want to talk about anything serious. Patsy didn't want to be reminded of the place she had left behind. she didn't want to think about her life that the place she used to call home. Becuase it wasn't her home anymore. It wasn't the place where she could lay her head down. The girls she lived with now were kind enough, the made small talk and didn't ask too many questions. But there was no nuns and no humour. There wasn't a fight for cake, in fact, it would often go stale in the tin with no one having enough time to eat it. It wasn't a village like Poplar. It was just another local clinic room with a small hospital. She didn't mind it really and if she hadn't had ever seen Poplar she wouldn't have known how great a place could have been. It wasn't that Patsy didn't want to be there but she felt like she didn't belong, not that she knew where she belonged. She felt like she stood out. Like she was a broken piece of furniture.

At first, Patsy didn't even know what to say; words escaped her. Luckily her best friend was a talker and never failed to entertain.

"I do miss you Patsy Mount," Trixie said finally gasping for a breath between the story of dying sister Mary Cynthia's habit navy and Roses (the new midwives) flat-tire flyover as it become known. Patsy smiled, she didn't know what to say. She felt like Trixie needed a reply yet she didn't have one. Of course, she missed Trixie but admitting that meant she had to admit that she wasn't just away for a trip. Admitting she lost her best friend meant she had to admit that she wouldn't be moving back to Poplar anytime soon.

While Patsy knew deep down that she would never return it was a hard concept for her to admit. So instead of words she just made eye contact. Trixie knew what Patsy wanted to say, and that was all that mattered.

"So how is Rose? Either of you going to tell me about her?" Patsy said. She was sick of small talk now. She didn't know what else to say. She did want to know about the midwife that replaced her.

Trixie looked at Delia as if the pair were working out what they should or shouldn't tell their friend.

"She came from Bristol," Trixie said "Her older brother works in Reading while her young brother is working in America," She said bluntly.

"Is she nice?"

"She's young and full of ideas," Trixie said taking a sip of her tea. Like they were talking about loud children down the street rather than a woman in the same building.

"Your starting to sound like Nurse Crain" Patsy replied laughing at how similar Trixie just sounded. Trixie continued all the same just smirking at Patsy's comment choosing not to respond.

"She's not as clean as you. I don't think the kitchen has been cleaned since you left." Trixie laughed awkwardly as she spoke, she wasn't lying, though. No one could replace Patsy. Rose wasn't even close.

"Is that all?" Patsy snapped. she wanted to know who her replacement was. Was that too much to ask?

"Pats!" Delia said reminding her girlfriend of how rude she could sound.

"Look I'm sorry, but you don't have to hide things from me. You are allowed to like her, she's allowed to be nice!" The ginger women had snapped.

"If you don't keep the noise down Sister Monica Joan will complain about ghosts" A Bristolian accent came in looking all dressed up.

" Oh sorry I didn't realise you were entertaining," The young women said looking almost embarrassed that she had spoken so bluntly.

"I'm Rose," the women said. Her Ash blonde hair was longer than Patsy imagined, to be honest, the young women didn't look anything like Patsy's imagination. She didn't look like this job stealing monster Patsy was imagining. She looked sweet, young and nice.

"Rose this is Patsy. She used to work here." Delia said smiling sweetly, placing her hand on her lover's knee under the table. Trixie noticed but didn't say anything and if Rose noticed she didn't say anything.

"Oh, you the girl that's impossible to replace. Nice to put a name to a face" Her accent was stronger than Patsy had heard before yet it wasn't angry.

Patsy simply smiled. It was nice to know she was talked about and it wasn't just for being kicked.

"Did you need anything?" Trixie asked the girl bluntly.

"No, I am making use of my day off. Going to meet my brother, he's picking me up. Nice meeting you Patsy, see you later Trixie. Delia" And with that, she left. She smiled sweetly enough as she walked out. Rose didn't understand why the other nurses were so blunt to her but she didn't know anything about what had happened. She was just the new girl. Trixie knew that she was harsh to the poor girl but she didn't want to be friends with her best friends replacement. She didn't want to replace Patsy. She just wanted Patsy back. She and Delia had become close since they shared a room, Trixie had started to work out what Patsy liked about the welsh women but there was nothing nice or inviting about the new nurse. She wasn't Patsy. She didn't understand why they couldn't keep alcohol in their room. She questioned Delias every move like she was a small child just because the welsh women wasn't a midwife. The new girl also like Vogue which meant Trixie had to make sure she only had it for the time she had said.

It didn't take long for Rose to leave their thoughts. As much as the Bristolian women could be forgotten. Patsy now had her hand comfortable on Delia's knee. Trixie had told them no one was home. The girls were laughing and for one of the first times since Patsy had moved out her laughter was real.

"Nurse Mount what are you doing here?" Sister Julienne burst almost without thinking as she entered the room where the girls were sat laughing and smiling slowly drinking there 3rd cup of tea and eating a Victoria sponge cake they found in the sewing box. They were all trying to ignore the fact that before long the ginger midwife would be on a bus away from Poplar and how knows when they will all meet up again.

As sister Juliennes voice went into all the girl's bodies, Patsy's hand jumped away from Delia and the pair spaced apart, like they had something to hide. The truth was they just don't want another confrontation. They didn't want to be prayed for, and Delia didn't want to get fired.

Patsy wasn't sure whether the sister, who now looked rather flustered, wanted an answer or was just letting out her thoughts before her brain had time to process.

"It was my day off" Patsy replied facing the nun with all the courage she had in her. She couldn't understand why her talking to the sister was so scary, yet she felt fear pump through her body like blood.

Seeing the awkwardness, Delia said, "Rose went to meet her brother". Delia was pretty sure that the sister already knew where Rose was going that afternoon, but Delia was hoping it changed the topic or at least took some of the heat off her girlfriend.

" I was aware Nurse Busby" Sister Julienne the sister snapped. The girls could tell the nun was flustered and assumed it WS because of Patsy's presence in the house. They all hoped it wasn't, but they knew the truth even if it was hard to admit. Patsy tried her best no to sigh at the chaos she was calling.

"Trixie may I have a word with you in my " the now flustered Nun said. Trixie looked at Delia but avoided er contact with her best friend as she stood up not saying a word. As the nurse and the nun left the room Patsy couldn't help but look at her girlfriend and say "I knew coming here was a bad idea Deels."

"Pats don't worry about it. You are allowed to have tea on you day off."

"Nurse Franklin, I think you and Miss Busby should take your gathering elsewhere," the nun said slowly while looking in all seriousness to the on call midwife.

"If you don't mind me saying Sister, it has been a significant number of weeks since Patsy has even been to Poplar. And, whether you want to pretend she doesn't exist or not she was a large part of so many peoples lives you can't just shut it out. That's not fair Sister, and you know that." Trixie's seriousness matched the sisters and her words packed a powerful punch sending Sister Julienne back in almost shock that a nurse had stood up to a friend like that. Not just a friend she didn't understand how Trixie was standing up for Patsy so openly even though Trixie knew who Patsy was. What Patsy was.

While neither Patsy or Delia could hear the conversation taking place between the nun and the fellow midwife, they knew what was being said. They knew what was being said. Even when they tried not to think of it, neither of them could say anything. Thy didn't know what to say anymore. Every good moment was always tinted with a bad conversation or a judgemental stare off someone they used to talk to. Nothing good ever seemed to last as much as they could convince themselves they just had to hold out, it was getting harder and harder to do. They both smiled silently, but the fear that was contained in them both was real, very real. And, slowly but surely the fear was seeping out of them like the oil pipe of a leaky car.

"Looks deels I might go."

"pats..."

"It's okay. It's absurd for me to stay. I don't want to make it any harder for you" there was confidence in her voice, yet she spoke almost in a whisper.

"Patience Mount, don't you ever say such ludicrous things," a voice said from behind them. Delia smiled as Trixie spoke.

"You are always one to ruin a moment," Patsy said bowing her head trying not to laugh.

Sister Julienne never came back in. she never asked Patsy about her new life or embraced her with kind words, or words of any sort like Trixie imagined the sister would have done in Jenny Lee had returned. Delia thought it was best that the nun had stayed in the office. Delia knew what to mention and what conversations to avoid. If anyone asked about Patsy around the dinner today she would reply directly and let Trixie do the talking.

As Patsy drank the last sip of her now rather cold tea, she knew her day had come to an end. She knew that it was time to leave again. Time to face the bus and get back to the real world where putting her hand on her lover's knee was a fantasy.

A warm embrace was all the lovers got to say goodbye, that was all they could have. Even that couldn't last forever. Patsy found herself wearing yet another one of Delia's scarfs. On one hand, they reminded Patsy of better days yet some days dressed in a scarf reminded her of the future they never had.

"I will be back again Deels. It won't be like this forever."

"Safe journey Cariad." Was all the words the welsh woman could say. She thought that it would be easier saying goodbye this time. She wasn't sure why but she thought this would feel like when one of them went for a shift of when Patsy first moved out of the nurses home but no, the pain was real. For a moment after Patsy left the first time the pain had begun to settle. The letters and the secret phone calls helped to get her through but seeing the person she loved and watching her go again. Knowing there was nothing either of them could do. That's what hurt. Trixie wrapped her arms around Delia who was trying her best to hold it together as the rugged out double-decker bus with paint crumbling off the side, wobbled along the cobbled streets out of poplar.

"This is only temporary," the blonde women said to her welsh friend.

The trouble was it wasn't temporary, not really.

The trouble was nothing changed. Before they knew it, the days turned into weeks and there was nothing they could do. Meeting up wasn't easy, excuses were made, not because neither one of them wanted to see the other but because neither one of them wanted to face another goodbye but that meant they kept avoiding making any hellos. Because saying hello meant they had to say goodbye. Goodbye meant the end again. It meant going back to 2 separate houses miles apart. It meant working in different hospitals, wearing different uniforms. It meant eating dinner surrounded by different people. It meant being apart.


	18. Chapter 18 - THE END

This is the final chapter. i felt like the last chapter didn't give much closer so i wrote this short ending which may help bring people a solid ending even if its not what you hoped for. Thanks for reading. Please leave feed back :) - R

Neither of them could pinpoint how it ended. Neither of them wanted too, but things change, people have to grow and sometimes they grow together and sometimes they grow apart. At least that's what Patsy had to say to avoid picking up the phone on lonely evenings. She didn't know what to say even if she did. Things had changed, it was that simple yet that complex all at once.

Patsy avoided talking to Trixie incase Delia's name came up, and she knew she wouldn't be able to contain her emotion while Delia, on the other hand, asked of Patsy regularly to remind her that the person she loved was alive and well and that was the most important thing. They were both alive and well. Delia convinced herself that counted for a lot. Oh, how she wished it did. She wished that love was enough to pull them through, but they both knew they needed more. They needed that apartment. They needed to be together. Writing letters wasn't the same thing so slowly but surely the letters stopped appearing. Phone calls were never easy, and only ever gave the girls a few moments to talk and even then they weren't very private.

All Delia was was sadness, she hadn't had to feel like this before. Last time they were separated Delia couldn't really remember it, Patsy had got used to the pain so just gritted her teeth and made small talk with the people around her. To come so close to pure love and lose it so violently is something no medication can heal, no matter how much the girls tried. They were not the same without each other, but they couldn't be with each other. One of them would have to give up their life so they other could live slightly more happily. Love isn't strong enough to change society not in 1962 at least.

Neither of the girls knew the future, neither of them knew that if they just gritted their teeth for a few more years it would all start to change. They didn't know that. All they knew was that what they had was gone now. It was broken, no one was sure how and no one could really pinpoint why but they both felt it. They were both broken apart even though neither one of them had said the words 'goodbye' they were always on the tip of their tongues.

Patsy knew what her greatest mistake was she had attempted to write it to Delia time and time again but every letter was incomplete, every letter couldn't be sent. Because every one of those letters would give Delia hope and Patsy couldn't do couldn't give the welsh hope of a better future because she didn't know it.

Deels,

The greatest mistake I have ever made was thinking that work ever really mattered. That it was the most important thing in my life. I had six precious years with you, and we have managed to spend most of them passing each other in corridors and sharing the secret night together. Now I am nothing but a shell and bereft of a love I stupidly took for granted. My heart isn't merely broken, without you it's a shadow of my being...

She could never finish, so it would never get sent. Because Patsy couldn't give up her job, it was the only solid thing in her life. And she knew that there love meant if they got another flat together Delia would lose her job too, then they would both be shells of their own beings. They wouldn't be the person the other fell in love with. They would be ghosts. At least now they were living even if it was apart. Now, they were human beings. They could go out in different towns and plaster smiles across their faces with their friends, and no one would ask questions.

So that's what they had to do, slowly but surely Patsy stopped phoning hoping to hear her lover's voice and their letters became more infrequent and less personal. Slowly but surely they ended, their happiness faded as did their relationship.

No one predicted it, yet it happened. Neither of the girls ever wanted their life this was, but neither of the girls ever thought they would marry a man, growing up no girl wants to imagine they will have a lover they have to sneak around with. Yet they did, they fell in love. Trixie silently hoped that her 2 best friends would beat the odds. They didn't, they just became another secret pushed under the sand. Patsy became someone that slowly but steadily wasn't asked about. Her ginger hair was no longer expected at the clinics or around the fish and chips shops. The Cubs stopped asking Delia when Patsy was returning. They just moved on even when Delia couldn't she just smiled. She smiled for Patsy because what they had was real and extraordinary but she knew all good things would come to an end. Even if this thing was more than good. It was bloody brilliant.


End file.
